It's been awhile.
Easter in Sedona was good. Lot's of drinking going around but I managed to abstain. It wasn't that big of a deal.
Gene has been stopping by a little more often and I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that I haven't been blogging.
I guess things have been a little stressful around here. Father in law has been doing better lately, but that's to be expected. We've been told to not get our hopes up because we're in for a roller coaster ride with him. Not sure if I mentioned it before, but he has Lewy Body Dimentia. I don't know much about it but I guess it's a pretty ugly disease. He's been really clear lately....so much so that my Mother in law has been questioning whether he's been misdiagnosed.
The doctors told us this would happen though. They also said not to get too excited because he'll soon cycle back into a confused state. He was confused when I saw him three weeks ago, but at least he was nice and calm. He's also bipolar and has been for most of his adult life. I've known him for about 16 years...great guy, but man I could tell some stories.
Anyway, my wife has been spending a fair amount of time in Houston helping her parents. She's home now. We're planning on visiting again next weekend.
What else? I worked out four times last week. That's typical. And I'm used to being sore...it kinda goes with the territory. What I'm not used to is how crazy mind boggling sore I am this week compared to most other weeks. Maybe I got dehydrated and that did me in. I haven't been getting as much sleep lately. I guess that could have something to do with it. Whatever it is, when I woke up this morning my chest, arms, and abs hurt so bad I could barely get out of bed. No bueno!
I'm going to get plenty of sleep tonight and hope that I feel better tomorrow.
This has turned into one big whiny pity party for me. Apologies.
I'm sober though...so I got that going for me, which is nice!
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Back on the wagon and busy
I'm back to coasting along which is nice. Been busy dealing with life. My father in law is ill and it doesn't look like he's going to fully recover. My wife has been spending a lot of time in Houston visiting him and helping my mother in law deal. I was down there last weekend with the boys. We're all back home now.
This weekend we're going to what was supposed to be a big family reunion and celebration for my wife's grandmother's 100th birthday. Unfortunately, she passed away about a week ago. The grandmother, not my wife. It wasn't unexpected. So now we're going to a big family reunion and funeral. It happens.
This will be the third big family reunion I've been to on my wife's side. They have one every five years. They're all good people and I get along with them well. Some of them drink, but a lot of them don't. I don't foresee any temptations this weekend. I'll probably be too busy chasing Five and Eight around.
I feel like I'm in a pretty good place sobrietywise. The Goofup didn't cause any downward spiral back to my nightly drinking binges. It happened....now it's over. I haven't counted, but I think I'd be pretty close to day 100 at this point, but the number doesn't really mean much to me now. Sober nights still feel like the norm, and that's a pretty good place to be.
This weekend we're going to what was supposed to be a big family reunion and celebration for my wife's grandmother's 100th birthday. Unfortunately, she passed away about a week ago. The grandmother, not my wife. It wasn't unexpected. So now we're going to a big family reunion and funeral. It happens.
This will be the third big family reunion I've been to on my wife's side. They have one every five years. They're all good people and I get along with them well. Some of them drink, but a lot of them don't. I don't foresee any temptations this weekend. I'll probably be too busy chasing Five and Eight around.
I feel like I'm in a pretty good place sobrietywise. The Goofup didn't cause any downward spiral back to my nightly drinking binges. It happened....now it's over. I haven't counted, but I think I'd be pretty close to day 100 at this point, but the number doesn't really mean much to me now. Sober nights still feel like the norm, and that's a pretty good place to be.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Ride On
First of all, thanks for all of the words of encouragement. It's greatly appreciated.
So yeah, I got slightly intoxicated Friday night. Not only that, but I also drunk posted on my own sober blog. I'm not gonna lie, it's a little hard for me to not laugh at that...at least a little.
I woke up Saturday morning feeling that all too familiar minor hangover....slight headache, cotton mouth. All things considered, I've felt worse. I was low on energy most of the day which made me mostly useless. The hangovers I remember. The low energy day of uselessness that follows a night of drinking was one thing I had forgotten about.
As for the overwhelming sense of shame and regret that I assumed would follow my first slip-up....well, that wasn't there. In fact, I didn't really feel any shame at all. Sure, it would be nice to be celebrating my 80th something day of sobriety, and that's gone now, but I'm ok with that. I goofed. It's not that big of a deal....or at least I don't feel like it is. I'll try to learn from this and be better next time. I felt way worse mentally last year after 21 straight nights of drinking.
The truth is when I started this journey I never figured I'd be sober for the rest of my life. I started off thinking I'd go 100 days, but after about a week of sobriety, I gave up worrying about reaching some big number. I kinda figured at some point I'd decided to have a few drinks on some special occasion, and then get back to being a sober guy. I guess I didn't figure that being forever sober was necessarily necessary.
The one big regret I have about falling off the wagon is that it wasn't planned. I assumed, or hoped, that if/when I did decide to have a drink or two....or three, it wouldn't be a spur of the moment type of situation. That's not so much what happened Friday night. Not at all.
So the bad news is I slipped. But the good news is I've been dying to get back on the sober train ever since....even before I sobered up Friday night. So that's what I'm doing now.
Part of me thinks that if I can go 80 days between drinks, then I'll have far better things to worry about than sobriety. But I also know that this is a slippery slope. It took many years for my occasional drunken party behavior to turn into a nightly drinking ritual. And 80 days doesn't fix that. My sobriety done sprung a leak. Now I need to make sure that this slow drip doesn't turn into a steady stream.
So yeah, Day 2.
So yeah, I got slightly intoxicated Friday night. Not only that, but I also drunk posted on my own sober blog. I'm not gonna lie, it's a little hard for me to not laugh at that...at least a little.
I woke up Saturday morning feeling that all too familiar minor hangover....slight headache, cotton mouth. All things considered, I've felt worse. I was low on energy most of the day which made me mostly useless. The hangovers I remember. The low energy day of uselessness that follows a night of drinking was one thing I had forgotten about.
As for the overwhelming sense of shame and regret that I assumed would follow my first slip-up....well, that wasn't there. In fact, I didn't really feel any shame at all. Sure, it would be nice to be celebrating my 80th something day of sobriety, and that's gone now, but I'm ok with that. I goofed. It's not that big of a deal....or at least I don't feel like it is. I'll try to learn from this and be better next time. I felt way worse mentally last year after 21 straight nights of drinking.
The truth is when I started this journey I never figured I'd be sober for the rest of my life. I started off thinking I'd go 100 days, but after about a week of sobriety, I gave up worrying about reaching some big number. I kinda figured at some point I'd decided to have a few drinks on some special occasion, and then get back to being a sober guy. I guess I didn't figure that being forever sober was necessarily necessary.
The one big regret I have about falling off the wagon is that it wasn't planned. I assumed, or hoped, that if/when I did decide to have a drink or two....or three, it wouldn't be a spur of the moment type of situation. That's not so much what happened Friday night. Not at all.
So the bad news is I slipped. But the good news is I've been dying to get back on the sober train ever since....even before I sobered up Friday night. So that's what I'm doing now.
Part of me thinks that if I can go 80 days between drinks, then I'll have far better things to worry about than sobriety. But I also know that this is a slippery slope. It took many years for my occasional drunken party behavior to turn into a nightly drinking ritual. And 80 days doesn't fix that. My sobriety done sprung a leak. Now I need to make sure that this slow drip doesn't turn into a steady stream.
So yeah, Day 2.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Day 1 - blindsided
Well, it happened.
I drank. I'm not sure what happened. Nothing really happened. No Gene sightings. It felt like I was on autopilot. Friday night. Nothing to do. I went to the liquor store and bought a bottle of vodka. I wasn't in a bad mood or pissed off for any reason.
Next thing I know I'm drunk. Not crazy drunk. I had a few and I'm feeling the all too familiar buzz. In six or seven hours I'll wake up dehydrated and feeling like shit. Not knowing why I made this decision. But I did. And now I start over.
Really not looking forward to the morning guilt that I'll no doubt be feeling soon.
A few months ago I longed to be the guy who could get hammered once and awhile and then lay off the booze for another month or two. Maybe I am that guy. Who am I kidding? I started this blog because I'm not that guy.
I'm going to go drink a lot of water.
This is actually day 0. Tomorrow will be day 1.
Dumbass here. I apologize to myself.
I drank. I'm not sure what happened. Nothing really happened. No Gene sightings. It felt like I was on autopilot. Friday night. Nothing to do. I went to the liquor store and bought a bottle of vodka. I wasn't in a bad mood or pissed off for any reason.
Next thing I know I'm drunk. Not crazy drunk. I had a few and I'm feeling the all too familiar buzz. In six or seven hours I'll wake up dehydrated and feeling like shit. Not knowing why I made this decision. But I did. And now I start over.
Really not looking forward to the morning guilt that I'll no doubt be feeling soon.
A few months ago I longed to be the guy who could get hammered once and awhile and then lay off the booze for another month or two. Maybe I am that guy. Who am I kidding? I started this blog because I'm not that guy.
I'm going to go drink a lot of water.
This is actually day 0. Tomorrow will be day 1.
Dumbass here. I apologize to myself.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Day 79 - Streaks
A few years ago I decided that I was going to start running again. I've been an on again off again runner for over 20 years....more off than on. I had read an article about streak runners. Not the run-around-naked-through-the-Quad people, but people who run every day, no matter what. Some streak runners are going on twenty plus years of daily running. Crazy bastards!
I was fascinated! So of course that became my new thing. I started running at least one mile every day. The first day was easy...even I could run a mile. The second and third days weren't bad, but I was beginning to get a little sore. Days 4-7 were rough. My legs were sore and wanting a day off, but I powered through.
After the first week my legs apparently realized that the dumb ass upstairs no longer believed in rest days, so things started getting easy.....and then fun. By the end of the first month I had started increasing my distances. One day I did a 65 mile charity bike ride and then came home and ran my mile before a bachelor party. My friends thought I was crazy. Things were good.
On the afternoon of my 100th day I didn't feel well, and things got worse as the day went on. But that evening I decided to get a really slow mile run in and go straight to bed. As bad as I felt before the run, I felt ten times worse after. I ended up with the flu and a broken running streak.
I recovered from the flu, but the running streak was gone and I never made it back to 100 days. I learned a valuable lesson though.....streaks can be a great motivational tool.
That's definitely one of the reasons why I've been successful so far with sobriety. I have a good streak going and I don't want to have to start the counter over.
I found an app called "Days" recently. It's a very basic tool that keeps track of my various streaks. Well, actually there's only one streak right now, but it's showing a big fat "79". Anything that allows me to do less math is a good thing.
Now I have to come up with some other streaks to start tracking.....like maybe how many days can I drive past a Whataburger without stopping. Or how many days in a row can I wear the same pair of socks......kidding.
Anyway....yeah, streaks!
And still sober!
I was fascinated! So of course that became my new thing. I started running at least one mile every day. The first day was easy...even I could run a mile. The second and third days weren't bad, but I was beginning to get a little sore. Days 4-7 were rough. My legs were sore and wanting a day off, but I powered through.
After the first week my legs apparently realized that the dumb ass upstairs no longer believed in rest days, so things started getting easy.....and then fun. By the end of the first month I had started increasing my distances. One day I did a 65 mile charity bike ride and then came home and ran my mile before a bachelor party. My friends thought I was crazy. Things were good.
On the afternoon of my 100th day I didn't feel well, and things got worse as the day went on. But that evening I decided to get a really slow mile run in and go straight to bed. As bad as I felt before the run, I felt ten times worse after. I ended up with the flu and a broken running streak.
I recovered from the flu, but the running streak was gone and I never made it back to 100 days. I learned a valuable lesson though.....streaks can be a great motivational tool.
That's definitely one of the reasons why I've been successful so far with sobriety. I have a good streak going and I don't want to have to start the counter over.
I found an app called "Days" recently. It's a very basic tool that keeps track of my various streaks. Well, actually there's only one streak right now, but it's showing a big fat "79". Anything that allows me to do less math is a good thing.
Now I have to come up with some other streaks to start tracking.....like maybe how many days can I drive past a Whataburger without stopping. Or how many days in a row can I wear the same pair of socks......kidding.
Anyway....yeah, streaks!
And still sober!
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Day 76
I was wandering around inside of my head today when I asked myself a question that I'd asked over 76 times since I started this crazy sober journey....."Why am I not going to drink tonight?'
For well over two months the answer had been the same: no hangover, I'll sleep better, no post drinking shame and guilt, etc. When I first stopped drinking, I think answering the question every day was my way of convincing myself not to drink. But a few weeks into sobriety the answers, although the same, turned into my way of reminding myself why I wasn't drinking anymore. I was past needing to convince myself. For the most part anyway.
Today, for the first time, the answer changed....instead of running through the same list of reasons that I'd been relying on for two plus months, my dome gave me a different answer. "I'm not drinking tonight because......I don't want to!"
I don't know if that means anything, but it sure feels like it does....especially because there was a little attitude in the answer. Kinda like, "You're not drinking because you don't want to. Now quit fucking asking me that question!!"
It's the same type of attitude that Eight gives me every morning when I wake him up for school. Now I know where he gets it.
Maybe I'm past having to remind myself why I'm not drinking. Maybe it's my brain's way of telling me to quit spending so much time thinking about sobriety. Maybe I'm getting a little too big for my britches with this whole, "Look at me, I'm sober" business. It's times like these when I forget to lock the door and Gene sneaks in for a chat. I hope he wears those cool demon shoes if/when he does come back.
For well over two months the answer had been the same: no hangover, I'll sleep better, no post drinking shame and guilt, etc. When I first stopped drinking, I think answering the question every day was my way of convincing myself not to drink. But a few weeks into sobriety the answers, although the same, turned into my way of reminding myself why I wasn't drinking anymore. I was past needing to convince myself. For the most part anyway.
Today, for the first time, the answer changed....instead of running through the same list of reasons that I'd been relying on for two plus months, my dome gave me a different answer. "I'm not drinking tonight because......I don't want to!"
I don't know if that means anything, but it sure feels like it does....especially because there was a little attitude in the answer. Kinda like, "You're not drinking because you don't want to. Now quit fucking asking me that question!!"
It's the same type of attitude that Eight gives me every morning when I wake him up for school. Now I know where he gets it.
Maybe I'm past having to remind myself why I'm not drinking. Maybe it's my brain's way of telling me to quit spending so much time thinking about sobriety. Maybe I'm getting a little too big for my britches with this whole, "Look at me, I'm sober" business. It's times like these when I forget to lock the door and Gene sneaks in for a chat. I hope he wears those cool demon shoes if/when he does come back.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Day 70 - If it's not one thing......
I'm happy to say that I have had no urge to drink over the last week....none, zilch, zero! That's been nice. I can now say that I'm cured! I don't have to worry about the occasional drink anymore.
Haha Drinky! Try again!
I know.....one day at a time....stick with what works.
I don't know why I used to drink so much. Obviously I was trying to escape something, but I'm not terribly interested in diving into the inner working of my dome to try to figure it out. At least not now.
What I do know from my personal history is that when I have mustered up the willpower to eliminate one bad habit, another bad habit often replaced it. Enter sugar! I've never been real big on sugar. I enjoy a little ice cream now and again and the occasional birthday cake, but I've never had a problem turning it down.
But since I quit drinking it seems like the sugar cravings have increased. And it's not just sugar....refined carbs in general have become a problem. Potato chips, bread, pizza. Stuffing my face full of refined carbs makes me feel good and stuffed. The problem is I'm hungry again ten minutes later. When I started this sober journey I had grand plans of dropping the 20 or 30 lbs that have been following me around for the last several years. So much for that idea. I guess it's time to rethink things.
I might be pushing the limits of my willpower by thinking that I can eliminate junk carbs while still abstaining from the happy juice, but I think it's time to give it a shot. If it becomes too much, I'll eat a pizza and leave the liquor store alone.
In other news, Seven turned Eight yesterday. He had his party at Soccer Zone. He had a great time and I learned something new.....I thought I was in fairly good shape, but after three hours of soccer, dodgeball, and basketball......Holy Mary Mother of God was I wrong about that. I was pretty worn out last night (and sober) when I went to bed. When I woke up this morning, everything hurt. Everything! I'm sure the five cupcakes I ate yesterday didn't help matters.
It's been a long weekend. I'm looking forward to going to bed sober soon.
Haha Drinky! Try again!
I know.....one day at a time....stick with what works.
I don't know why I used to drink so much. Obviously I was trying to escape something, but I'm not terribly interested in diving into the inner working of my dome to try to figure it out. At least not now.
What I do know from my personal history is that when I have mustered up the willpower to eliminate one bad habit, another bad habit often replaced it. Enter sugar! I've never been real big on sugar. I enjoy a little ice cream now and again and the occasional birthday cake, but I've never had a problem turning it down.
But since I quit drinking it seems like the sugar cravings have increased. And it's not just sugar....refined carbs in general have become a problem. Potato chips, bread, pizza. Stuffing my face full of refined carbs makes me feel good and stuffed. The problem is I'm hungry again ten minutes later. When I started this sober journey I had grand plans of dropping the 20 or 30 lbs that have been following me around for the last several years. So much for that idea. I guess it's time to rethink things.
I might be pushing the limits of my willpower by thinking that I can eliminate junk carbs while still abstaining from the happy juice, but I think it's time to give it a shot. If it becomes too much, I'll eat a pizza and leave the liquor store alone.
In other news, Seven turned Eight yesterday. He had his party at Soccer Zone. He had a great time and I learned something new.....I thought I was in fairly good shape, but after three hours of soccer, dodgeball, and basketball......Holy Mary Mother of God was I wrong about that. I was pretty worn out last night (and sober) when I went to bed. When I woke up this morning, everything hurt. Everything! I'm sure the five cupcakes I ate yesterday didn't help matters.
It's been a long weekend. I'm looking forward to going to bed sober soon.
Monday, March 17, 2014
Day 64 - Busy week
Last week was spring break. We had plans to go out to the cabin both weekends, but those plans all fell through. My father in law has been ill so my wife went down to Houston on the first Saturday of spring break to spend time with him and help out my mother in law. This of course left me alone with the kids for several days....which typically would have meant much drinking, at least after the kids went to bed. Not this time around. I didn't even have the urge.
By Wednesday my wife wasn't ready to come back so the boys and I went down to Houston for a few days. This made me a little nervous. My mother in law is a 5:00 wine drinker and she and I had kinda become drinking buddies over the years. She was surprised to hear that I was on the wagon, but it wasn't a problem and it certainly didn't bother her.
What kinda got me was the fact that I can't remember the last sober night I had spent at the in laws house. Much like our California vacations, I was used to drinking every night there....heavily! I would typically have a few drinks in the evening and then power down once everybody went to bed, which was usually fairly early.
The boys and I arrived in Houston on Wednesday at about 4:00. I wasn't the least bit surprised to see Gene Simmons there....bastard! We exchanged pleasantries and he asked if we were hammering down while I was there. I told him it wasn't happening this time around. He quickly got the hint and didn't stick around long. As he was leaving I told him his wig wasn't fooling anybody. He still doesn't have much of a sense of humor.
That was the last time I saw him, although he texted me a couple of times while I was still in Houston.
The five year old and I came back Saturday. He had a birthday party to go to. My wife came back with Seven last night. Seven will be changing his name to Eight on Saturday, so try to keep up.
So, 64 days in.....Still feels good. Still sleeping incredibly well. I haven't really thought about how long I'm going to take this streak. I'm still clinging to one day at a time. I haven't really thought about the fact that I'm on a streak lately. When Gene stops by and I contemplate a drink, I don't seem to have to fight the urge to abstain. There's no internal struggle.....I just think about how nice it feels to go to bed sober and wake up unhungovered. The novelty of that may at some point wear off, but so far it's working.
By Wednesday my wife wasn't ready to come back so the boys and I went down to Houston for a few days. This made me a little nervous. My mother in law is a 5:00 wine drinker and she and I had kinda become drinking buddies over the years. She was surprised to hear that I was on the wagon, but it wasn't a problem and it certainly didn't bother her.
What kinda got me was the fact that I can't remember the last sober night I had spent at the in laws house. Much like our California vacations, I was used to drinking every night there....heavily! I would typically have a few drinks in the evening and then power down once everybody went to bed, which was usually fairly early.
The boys and I arrived in Houston on Wednesday at about 4:00. I wasn't the least bit surprised to see Gene Simmons there....bastard! We exchanged pleasantries and he asked if we were hammering down while I was there. I told him it wasn't happening this time around. He quickly got the hint and didn't stick around long. As he was leaving I told him his wig wasn't fooling anybody. He still doesn't have much of a sense of humor.
That was the last time I saw him, although he texted me a couple of times while I was still in Houston.
The five year old and I came back Saturday. He had a birthday party to go to. My wife came back with Seven last night. Seven will be changing his name to Eight on Saturday, so try to keep up.
So, 64 days in.....Still feels good. Still sleeping incredibly well. I haven't really thought about how long I'm going to take this streak. I'm still clinging to one day at a time. I haven't really thought about the fact that I'm on a streak lately. When Gene stops by and I contemplate a drink, I don't seem to have to fight the urge to abstain. There's no internal struggle.....I just think about how nice it feels to go to bed sober and wake up unhungovered. The novelty of that may at some point wear off, but so far it's working.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Day 52
Day 50 kinda snuck up on me. Now here I am celebrating day 52 of this journey. A few things:
"Most things I worry about never happen anyway." I'm not sure where that saying came from, but I got it from a Tom Petty song many years ago. It seems like making the decision to sober up was the biggest hurdle....a hurdle that I struggled with for many years. But once I finally made that decision, everything just kinda fell into place. The journey has been fun....at least so far.
I think I worried too much about how I was going to do it, or if I'd be able to do it. Turns out what I really needed to do was.....just go ahead and do it.
One of the things I've learned about myself over the years is that I form habits incredibly easily....good and bad. If I find something I like, I tend to stick with it religiously. At my old job I got into the habit of going to Subway for lunch. It only took a few times before I was hooked. I used to go almost every day. Same sandwich, same time. I supported that franchise for a good two years. It was part of my daily routine.
I guess that being an easily-forming-habit-guy can be a good thing so long as the habit is a healthy one. Exercising is a good example. I started exercising at an early age, and I've consistently done so ever since.
Unfortunately, I'm pretty accomplished at forming bad habits too; diet soda, junk food (I can usually resist junk food, but it's a slippery slope)......alcohol!!!!!!!
Booze, like many other things in my life, became a habit. It was a slow process, mostly because I fought it for a long time, but it eventually became part of my daily routine. And once it became part of my day, it was really difficult to control.
When I decided to stop, the first week or too were tough....because just like going to Subway at 11:05 every morning used to be a part of my day, making that first drink at 8:30 every night was just what I did. It felt right. If I didn't do it, I was all out of sorts.
But once I settled into sobriety, the sober habit quickly formed. Instead of making that first drink at 8:30 every night, I either sober blogged myself or I read sober blogs. It didn't take long for that new habit to form and become the new norm. I think that's why this has thus far seemed easier than I thought it would. That was a horrible sentence!....this that thus.
Anyway, It's been a fun journey. I know that Gene will be back at some point and that's ok. One day at a time has worked so far, so I'm sticking with it.
Now it's time to go to bed.......sober.
"Most things I worry about never happen anyway." I'm not sure where that saying came from, but I got it from a Tom Petty song many years ago. It seems like making the decision to sober up was the biggest hurdle....a hurdle that I struggled with for many years. But once I finally made that decision, everything just kinda fell into place. The journey has been fun....at least so far.
I think I worried too much about how I was going to do it, or if I'd be able to do it. Turns out what I really needed to do was.....just go ahead and do it.
One of the things I've learned about myself over the years is that I form habits incredibly easily....good and bad. If I find something I like, I tend to stick with it religiously. At my old job I got into the habit of going to Subway for lunch. It only took a few times before I was hooked. I used to go almost every day. Same sandwich, same time. I supported that franchise for a good two years. It was part of my daily routine.
I guess that being an easily-forming-habit-guy can be a good thing so long as the habit is a healthy one. Exercising is a good example. I started exercising at an early age, and I've consistently done so ever since.
Unfortunately, I'm pretty accomplished at forming bad habits too; diet soda, junk food (I can usually resist junk food, but it's a slippery slope)......alcohol!!!!!!!
Booze, like many other things in my life, became a habit. It was a slow process, mostly because I fought it for a long time, but it eventually became part of my daily routine. And once it became part of my day, it was really difficult to control.
When I decided to stop, the first week or too were tough....because just like going to Subway at 11:05 every morning used to be a part of my day, making that first drink at 8:30 every night was just what I did. It felt right. If I didn't do it, I was all out of sorts.
But once I settled into sobriety, the sober habit quickly formed. Instead of making that first drink at 8:30 every night, I either sober blogged myself or I read sober blogs. It didn't take long for that new habit to form and become the new norm. I think that's why this has thus far seemed easier than I thought it would. That was a horrible sentence!....this that thus.
Anyway, It's been a fun journey. I know that Gene will be back at some point and that's ok. One day at a time has worked so far, so I'm sticking with it.
Now it's time to go to bed.......sober.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Day 47
Gene's been quiet lately. Eerily quiet. I'm not sure where he went. I haven't even thought about drinking lately. I like that. I know it won't last forever, or maybe it will. It won't. I'm not going to let my guard down. It's been nice though.
When I first quit drinking I noticed that I was angry more often than normal. Going sober meant having to deal with anger, frustration, and every other negative emotion that I used to squash with vodka. I expected that, thanks to all of the other sober blogs I read. It was rough at first, but I think I've gotten a hold of it now.
Some days suck! That's just the way it is. That's life. I can't say that I've learned to enjoy the shitty days, but I'm learning to accept them. I'm learning to live in them....and I realize that one shitty day doesn't necessarily mean the next day will be shitty...especially if I proactively do something to fix a bad day. And that's much easier to do with a clear head....and by "clear", I mean sober.
Of course the downside to that is the fact that having one great day doesn't necessarily mean that the next day will be great. Life doesn't work that way....unless of course you're Tony Robbins. Just watching him wears me out though.
My son's school principal never seems to have a bad day. Always smiles with him. I envy that. It's kinda weird and corny, especially for someone like me who tends to live on the more sarcastic side of life. Could just be a front though. Like a sad clown.....not that I think he's a clown. Where was I?
Oh yeah, sobriety. Hasn't felt like a challenge lately. Feels more like seeing a long lost friend. And that's kinda nice.
When I first quit drinking I noticed that I was angry more often than normal. Going sober meant having to deal with anger, frustration, and every other negative emotion that I used to squash with vodka. I expected that, thanks to all of the other sober blogs I read. It was rough at first, but I think I've gotten a hold of it now.
Some days suck! That's just the way it is. That's life. I can't say that I've learned to enjoy the shitty days, but I'm learning to accept them. I'm learning to live in them....and I realize that one shitty day doesn't necessarily mean the next day will be shitty...especially if I proactively do something to fix a bad day. And that's much easier to do with a clear head....and by "clear", I mean sober.
Of course the downside to that is the fact that having one great day doesn't necessarily mean that the next day will be great. Life doesn't work that way....unless of course you're Tony Robbins. Just watching him wears me out though.
My son's school principal never seems to have a bad day. Always smiles with him. I envy that. It's kinda weird and corny, especially for someone like me who tends to live on the more sarcastic side of life. Could just be a front though. Like a sad clown.....not that I think he's a clown. Where was I?
Oh yeah, sobriety. Hasn't felt like a challenge lately. Feels more like seeing a long lost friend. And that's kinda nice.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Day 43 - I'm very fortunate
First of all, I'm really bad at dates....as in dates of the month. What I mean by that is if I know today is the 24th and it's Monday, the only way that I could figure out what last Wednesday's date was would be to either look at a calendar or count back one day at a time using my fingers. I know it's simple math, but it completely escapes me.
I just reread the above paragraph and it didn't make any sense to me either.
No, I'm not drunk!
The reason I mentioned my date deficiency is because I figure out what day of sobriety I'm on based on the last date that I posted....and I just realized that there's a good chance that I'm not even on day 43 of this journey. But I'm sticking with day 43....at least until tomorrow.
Anyway, it's good to get that off my chest and out of the way.
I swear I'm not drunk....or stoned!
Was thinking about my sobriety today and I realized how good I have it. Yeah, it sucks that I can't be one of those guys who can have a few drinks once and awhile and then put the bottle away for a few weeks, but I've got a few things going for me here.
I was a nighttime alone drinker. I always figured that drinking alone was likely a sign of a problem, but for me it seems to be somewhat of a blessing. Since I rarely ever drank with other people, I don't have any drinking buddies. I have friends that I used to drink with, but things happen, life gets in the way, and I don't see most of these friends all that much. We stay in touch, but its mostly through email and texts.
I still see some of my old drinking buddies on a fairly regular basis, but we don't drink together much anymore....we do other things. Golf, eat, paint guitars in garages...things like that.
I have family members who drink and they usually indulge on holidays and other occasions. They know that I drink/drank, but I rarely ever drank around them, mostly because I refuse to drive after even one drink.
My friends and family don't know that I have a drinking problem, and they don't know that I quit. It'll probably come up at some point, but it could be a long time before it does, and it likely won't be a big deal when it does.
The upshot of being an alone drinker is that I haven't had any peer pressure about having a drink. That's been a big help I believe....and for that I feel very fortunate. Quitting the drink can be a real pain in the ass. Having a bunch of people tell me that I don't really have a drinking problem is something I'm happy to not have to deal with.
I just reread the above paragraph and it didn't make any sense to me either.
No, I'm not drunk!
The reason I mentioned my date deficiency is because I figure out what day of sobriety I'm on based on the last date that I posted....and I just realized that there's a good chance that I'm not even on day 43 of this journey. But I'm sticking with day 43....at least until tomorrow.
Anyway, it's good to get that off my chest and out of the way.
I swear I'm not drunk....or stoned!
Was thinking about my sobriety today and I realized how good I have it. Yeah, it sucks that I can't be one of those guys who can have a few drinks once and awhile and then put the bottle away for a few weeks, but I've got a few things going for me here.
I was a nighttime alone drinker. I always figured that drinking alone was likely a sign of a problem, but for me it seems to be somewhat of a blessing. Since I rarely ever drank with other people, I don't have any drinking buddies. I have friends that I used to drink with, but things happen, life gets in the way, and I don't see most of these friends all that much. We stay in touch, but its mostly through email and texts.
I still see some of my old drinking buddies on a fairly regular basis, but we don't drink together much anymore....we do other things. Golf, eat, paint guitars in garages...things like that.
I have family members who drink and they usually indulge on holidays and other occasions. They know that I drink/drank, but I rarely ever drank around them, mostly because I refuse to drive after even one drink.
My friends and family don't know that I have a drinking problem, and they don't know that I quit. It'll probably come up at some point, but it could be a long time before it does, and it likely won't be a big deal when it does.
The upshot of being an alone drinker is that I haven't had any peer pressure about having a drink. That's been a big help I believe....and for that I feel very fortunate. Quitting the drink can be a real pain in the ass. Having a bunch of people tell me that I don't really have a drinking problem is something I'm happy to not have to deal with.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Day 40 - Autopilot
It's been ten days since I've posted. Still going strong though. I was feeling a little obsessed over my drinking, or lack thereof. So I decided to try to concentrate on other things for awhile. Next thing I knew it was ten days later and I hadn't checked into my blog. I guess I haven't had much to say lately.
A few things;
1. I feel like I've been on autopilot for awhile now. I know that Gene could creep up and start talking at any time, but he's been quiet lately. Maybe he's planning Kiss's annual farewell tour.
2. I've been craving sugar like crazy lately. Not sure what that's about. As with booze, monitoring my sugar intake didn't seem to be working, so I gave it all up for awhile. I'm sure that something new will pop up for me to addict myself to. Hopefully it will be something like running as opposed to heroin.
3. I haven't craved a drink in quite awhile. My wife is going out with some friends tonight. Normally that would mean a night of heavy drinking for me. The thought didn't even cross my mind until I decided to write this post. That's a nice feeling.
4. I still can't get over how much better I've been sleeping over the last month. I've always loved to sleep. I know, weird....but it's true. I'm not gonna lie and say that I'm one of those fellows who believes that sleep takes away from productivity. Sleeping is fun and drinking robbed me of that.
I rarely ever got hangovers when I was drinking. But when I woke up in the morning after a night of heavy drinking, the first thought that popped into my head was always, "Ugh, I drank last night." It was usually the dry mouth, slight headache, and the realization that I went to bed too late and was going to be tired much of the day....shitty feeling.
Not very entertaining side story: I learned early on in college that if I needed a lot of studying to pass an exam, I was doomed if I didn't start studying a few days in advance. That whole staying up all night cramming for an exam thing never worked for me. I could tell myself over and over that I'd fail an exam if I didn't stay up all night cramming, and I proved myself right a few times, but when it got late and I got tired.....that was it. I was going to bed....didn't matter how important the next morning's exam was.
That's all I got for now.
A few things;
1. I feel like I've been on autopilot for awhile now. I know that Gene could creep up and start talking at any time, but he's been quiet lately. Maybe he's planning Kiss's annual farewell tour.
2. I've been craving sugar like crazy lately. Not sure what that's about. As with booze, monitoring my sugar intake didn't seem to be working, so I gave it all up for awhile. I'm sure that something new will pop up for me to addict myself to. Hopefully it will be something like running as opposed to heroin.
3. I haven't craved a drink in quite awhile. My wife is going out with some friends tonight. Normally that would mean a night of heavy drinking for me. The thought didn't even cross my mind until I decided to write this post. That's a nice feeling.
4. I still can't get over how much better I've been sleeping over the last month. I've always loved to sleep. I know, weird....but it's true. I'm not gonna lie and say that I'm one of those fellows who believes that sleep takes away from productivity. Sleeping is fun and drinking robbed me of that.
I rarely ever got hangovers when I was drinking. But when I woke up in the morning after a night of heavy drinking, the first thought that popped into my head was always, "Ugh, I drank last night." It was usually the dry mouth, slight headache, and the realization that I went to bed too late and was going to be tired much of the day....shitty feeling.
Not very entertaining side story: I learned early on in college that if I needed a lot of studying to pass an exam, I was doomed if I didn't start studying a few days in advance. That whole staying up all night cramming for an exam thing never worked for me. I could tell myself over and over that I'd fail an exam if I didn't stay up all night cramming, and I proved myself right a few times, but when it got late and I got tired.....that was it. I was going to bed....didn't matter how important the next morning's exam was.
That's all I got for now.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Day 30 - A few things
I'm getting kinda bored with this whole sobriety thing. Not being sober, that's been really nice. But the nostalgia has worn off and I'm tired of thinking about it. The problem is I can't stop thinking about it. That's getting old. It was exciting for awhile. Now I'm just a guy who isn't drinking. I should be excited at the fact that I haven't had a drink in over four weeks, but it seems to be more of a "ah, whatever" feeling. I guess that's good in a way.
So far this journey has been incredibly easy for me....except for when it hasn't been. Then it just plain sucks! Fortunately, those "just plain sucks" times are far and few between. They do tend to come out of nowhere though. That voice....Wolfie, Sally...lately I've been calling him Gene Simmons. Not sure why.
I was at the grocery store yesterday. The lady at the register finished scanning my stuff and said, "Do you need any ice or stamps?" Ice!.....That's when Gene started talking.
About six months ago the ice maker on our refrigerator broke. We had it fixed under warranty several years ago and if not for the warranty it would have cost us close to $200 to fix. A bag of ice is $4. I did the math....and I'm kinda lazy sometimes. So I started buying bags of ice once and awhile instead of calling a repair man.
Ice was a basic necessity for my vodka drinks so along with the vodka and diet Dew, I ALWAYS made sure I had enough ice to get me through the evening before I commenced with the evening's drink a thon. I haven't bought ice since I stopped drinking, and the grocery store clerk's comment proved to be a major trigger.....it came out of nowhere....He did...Gene. He started talking and he wouldn't shut up for a good long while.
I powered through, but it wasn't fun. The grocery store clerk should have known better than to do that to me. Haha!
So far this journey has been incredibly easy for me....except for when it hasn't been. Then it just plain sucks! Fortunately, those "just plain sucks" times are far and few between. They do tend to come out of nowhere though. That voice....Wolfie, Sally...lately I've been calling him Gene Simmons. Not sure why.
I was at the grocery store yesterday. The lady at the register finished scanning my stuff and said, "Do you need any ice or stamps?" Ice!.....That's when Gene started talking.
About six months ago the ice maker on our refrigerator broke. We had it fixed under warranty several years ago and if not for the warranty it would have cost us close to $200 to fix. A bag of ice is $4. I did the math....and I'm kinda lazy sometimes. So I started buying bags of ice once and awhile instead of calling a repair man.
Ice was a basic necessity for my vodka drinks so along with the vodka and diet Dew, I ALWAYS made sure I had enough ice to get me through the evening before I commenced with the evening's drink a thon. I haven't bought ice since I stopped drinking, and the grocery store clerk's comment proved to be a major trigger.....it came out of nowhere....He did...Gene. He started talking and he wouldn't shut up for a good long while.
I powered through, but it wasn't fun. The grocery store clerk should have known better than to do that to me. Haha!
Friday, February 7, 2014
Day 26 - First world problems
A couple weeks ago we had rain all day Thursday which turned to sleet that night. No news from the school district about any closures. The next morning the streets were iced over. I spent 15 minutes breaking the ice off of my windshield. Took the older boy (Seven) to school. As we were getting out of the car the crossing guard said, "they just announced school would be starting two hours late." Great timing. Then ended up cancelling the whole day. Later that evening the district super sent an email apologizing for his late decision.
Jump forward to this Wednesday night. Forecast said below freezing temps with no chance of precipitation. Still, at 9:30 we got the call, email, and text saying school would be starting two hours late. Ok, fine.
Yesterday morning it was cold...stayed cold all day, but no precipitation. The roads were fine. That was slightly irritating because my younger son (Five) goes to a pre-school from 9-1 every day. If Seven's school starts late, which it did yesterday, then Five's school is closed altogether for the day. It wasn't that big of a deal though.
Last night the forecast called for below freezing temps again with a 10% chance of rain/sleet. Around here, a 10% chance of rain means there's no chance of rain....it aint happening. We have to get up to a 50-60% chance before it even comes close to raining.
Still, 9:30 last night I was getting ready for bed when the phone call/email/text came in....schools are all cancelled on Friday. Are you fucking kidding me???!!! I was pissed because I knew it wouldn't rain or sleet....which it didn't....anywhere in the city. The boys were already on edge from being stuck in the house most of Thursday due to the cold temps. Friday was going to be hell!
So as I was getting ready for bed I was cussing out the school district superintendent under my breath and running through all the reasons why I fully deserved to be pissed off at everything and how being stuck in the house with the boys all day Friday was going to drive me nuts and this and that and then it dawned on me.....
I was about to go to bed completely sober...for the 25th day in a row. And tomorrow I was going to wake up feeling good and unhungovered.
I was ok after that. Today was kinda rough but the boys and I powered through. And Daddy stayed sober......again.
Jump forward to this Wednesday night. Forecast said below freezing temps with no chance of precipitation. Still, at 9:30 we got the call, email, and text saying school would be starting two hours late. Ok, fine.
Yesterday morning it was cold...stayed cold all day, but no precipitation. The roads were fine. That was slightly irritating because my younger son (Five) goes to a pre-school from 9-1 every day. If Seven's school starts late, which it did yesterday, then Five's school is closed altogether for the day. It wasn't that big of a deal though.
Last night the forecast called for below freezing temps again with a 10% chance of rain/sleet. Around here, a 10% chance of rain means there's no chance of rain....it aint happening. We have to get up to a 50-60% chance before it even comes close to raining.
Still, 9:30 last night I was getting ready for bed when the phone call/email/text came in....schools are all cancelled on Friday. Are you fucking kidding me???!!! I was pissed because I knew it wouldn't rain or sleet....which it didn't....anywhere in the city. The boys were already on edge from being stuck in the house most of Thursday due to the cold temps. Friday was going to be hell!
So as I was getting ready for bed I was cussing out the school district superintendent under my breath and running through all the reasons why I fully deserved to be pissed off at everything and how being stuck in the house with the boys all day Friday was going to drive me nuts and this and that and then it dawned on me.....
I was about to go to bed completely sober...for the 25th day in a row. And tomorrow I was going to wake up feeling good and unhungovered.
I was ok after that. Today was kinda rough but the boys and I powered through. And Daddy stayed sober......again.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Day 23
I've been trotting along taking this whole sobriety thing one day at a time and today I realized that the whole point of this blog was to make it 100 days booze free. I do that....get all into some new idea, absorb myself in the process, and then completely forget what the original plan or goal was.
When I started this journey, 100 days of sobriety seemed like a lifetime. I've been drinking for 20 some odd years and since then I've NEVER gone 100 days without a drink. But now that I'm on day 23, 100 days doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I'm proud of being able to say that. I'm also an idiot for saying that because I haven't really been tested yet.
The logical part of my dome knows that I can't go back to drinking after 100 days. It just doesn't work that way...at least not for me.
I drink wayyyyy too much diet soda, and I have for a long time. I know that I should drink more water and that artificial sweeteners are blah blah blah....I don't give two shitz! I've given up booze....one vice at a time.
About a year ago I decided that it was time to give up the diet soda. And I did....for about a month. Then one day I had the urge for one and I used the "everything in moderation" argument to convince myself to buy a diet coke....one of those big convenient stores ones....44oz. It was magical! Tasted better than I remembered. A few days later I had another....then another. Soon I was back to injecting the stuff into my veins.
I guess my point is moderation is likely never going to be an option for me...not with booze. So 100 days isn't going to be enough. Still, the idea of a lifetime of sobriety is a monster I'm not willing to tackle yet. I think that's why the "one day at a time" things has been working for me so far.
When I started this journey, 100 days of sobriety seemed like a lifetime. I've been drinking for 20 some odd years and since then I've NEVER gone 100 days without a drink. But now that I'm on day 23, 100 days doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I'm proud of being able to say that. I'm also an idiot for saying that because I haven't really been tested yet.
The logical part of my dome knows that I can't go back to drinking after 100 days. It just doesn't work that way...at least not for me.
I drink wayyyyy too much diet soda, and I have for a long time. I know that I should drink more water and that artificial sweeteners are blah blah blah....I don't give two shitz! I've given up booze....one vice at a time.
About a year ago I decided that it was time to give up the diet soda. And I did....for about a month. Then one day I had the urge for one and I used the "everything in moderation" argument to convince myself to buy a diet coke....one of those big convenient stores ones....44oz. It was magical! Tasted better than I remembered. A few days later I had another....then another. Soon I was back to injecting the stuff into my veins.
I guess my point is moderation is likely never going to be an option for me...not with booze. So 100 days isn't going to be enough. Still, the idea of a lifetime of sobriety is a monster I'm not willing to tackle yet. I think that's why the "one day at a time" things has been working for me so far.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Day 22 - A sober Super Bowl
Well that wasn't so hard. It's been a long time since I've watched a Super Bowl unboozed. I had an invite to a friends Super Bowl party. He promised quarter bets on anything and plenty of shots. I would have gone (and not drank), but my boys were really excited about watching the game this year and they weren't interested in going to a party. So we watched it at home.....and it was nice.
Three full weeks down now. I hate to say that it's been easier than expected....but it has...so far. I still get the occasional urge. It's more of an impulse than an urge I guess. It's an impulse followed by a quick feeling of excited anticipation, immediately followed by a slightly depressing feeling. "Oh yeah, I'm not drinking anymore." The heroin helps with that.....kidding. I assume those impulses will end up lasting quite a long time. After all, I drank on a fairly regular basis for over 20 years. Sounds like a real problem when I look at it that way.
Speaking of heroin, Philip Seymour Hoffman died of an apparent heroin overdose yesterday. Sad ending for an incredible actor. I don't have any experience with heroin or most any illegal substance. I was always deathly afraid to try anything like heroin.....not that I ever had it offered to me. I've read about how amazing the high is, and how addictive it is. I can't stop drinking diet soda, I wouldn't stand a chance against heroin.
Day 23 tomorrow.....Bring it!
Three full weeks down now. I hate to say that it's been easier than expected....but it has...so far. I still get the occasional urge. It's more of an impulse than an urge I guess. It's an impulse followed by a quick feeling of excited anticipation, immediately followed by a slightly depressing feeling. "Oh yeah, I'm not drinking anymore." The heroin helps with that.....kidding. I assume those impulses will end up lasting quite a long time. After all, I drank on a fairly regular basis for over 20 years. Sounds like a real problem when I look at it that way.
Speaking of heroin, Philip Seymour Hoffman died of an apparent heroin overdose yesterday. Sad ending for an incredible actor. I don't have any experience with heroin or most any illegal substance. I was always deathly afraid to try anything like heroin.....not that I ever had it offered to me. I've read about how amazing the high is, and how addictive it is. I can't stop drinking diet soda, I wouldn't stand a chance against heroin.
Day 23 tomorrow.....Bring it!
Friday, January 31, 2014
Day 19 - bored
It used to not matter to me what night of the week it was....as far as drinking went. But now that I'm not drinking, it seems like Friday's always bring a little ping. Tonight it came while I was walking the dog.
It wasn't a really a strong will-I-or-won't-I struggle. It was more of an "I can't wait to unwind with a couple of drinks tonight" impulse. And then of course reality sunk in. That's a shitty feeling. I've had it many times before, but it was usually food related. "I'm gonna order a giant pizza tonight.....Oh wait, I'm supposed to be eating healthier." That sorta thing.
I'm coming up on three weeks. I know I keep mentioning it, but I can't get over how much better I've been sleeping. There have been small but noticeable improvements in various other areas over the last few weeks, but man, the sleeping is just amazing!
I got to the gym a little early today so I grabbed a foam roller and intentionally collapsed onto the floor to stretch. Yesterday's workout was brutal and I'm sore everywhere. After I fell to the floor the coach laughingly asked, "Are you drunk already?" He knows I drink.....drank. I've made various comments about it to him.
A few months ago he asked how I was feeling. I told him I was working on about four hours of sleep. He asked if I had trouble sleeping. I laughed and admitted that I got fucking hammered the previous night and stayed up way too late. He appreciated the honesty.
Anyway, after he asked me if I was already drunk, I told him I hadn't had a drink in close to three weeks. That got a round of applause from him and the rest of today's group. One guy said, "You're on the wagon? For how long?" I said, "I don't know....until my next drink I guess." I wasn't really interested in turning the conversation into a serious "I drink too damn much and I can't moderate" discussion....partly because the mood was light, and partly because if they ever seen me with a drink in the future, I don't want the shame of having said that I was forever sober.
I guess that's about all I got.
It wasn't a really a strong will-I-or-won't-I struggle. It was more of an "I can't wait to unwind with a couple of drinks tonight" impulse. And then of course reality sunk in. That's a shitty feeling. I've had it many times before, but it was usually food related. "I'm gonna order a giant pizza tonight.....Oh wait, I'm supposed to be eating healthier." That sorta thing.
I'm coming up on three weeks. I know I keep mentioning it, but I can't get over how much better I've been sleeping. There have been small but noticeable improvements in various other areas over the last few weeks, but man, the sleeping is just amazing!
I got to the gym a little early today so I grabbed a foam roller and intentionally collapsed onto the floor to stretch. Yesterday's workout was brutal and I'm sore everywhere. After I fell to the floor the coach laughingly asked, "Are you drunk already?" He knows I drink.....drank. I've made various comments about it to him.
A few months ago he asked how I was feeling. I told him I was working on about four hours of sleep. He asked if I had trouble sleeping. I laughed and admitted that I got fucking hammered the previous night and stayed up way too late. He appreciated the honesty.
Anyway, after he asked me if I was already drunk, I told him I hadn't had a drink in close to three weeks. That got a round of applause from him and the rest of today's group. One guy said, "You're on the wagon? For how long?" I said, "I don't know....until my next drink I guess." I wasn't really interested in turning the conversation into a serious "I drink too damn much and I can't moderate" discussion....partly because the mood was light, and partly because if they ever seen me with a drink in the future, I don't want the shame of having said that I was forever sober.
I guess that's about all I got.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Day 17 - Damned bad weather days
Yesterday was the second bad weather day in a week. Ugh! That means the kids don't have school and we're stuck in the house all day. By evening we had all had enough of each other. It would be nice if just one time it would snow on a bad weather day. Nope, we get sleet and maybe a little ice. And then the whole city falls apart.
Still going strong with this whole sobriety thing. Haven't had any pings. I think I've gone past the point where making a drink after the kids go to bed is an unconscious decision.
I have been a little more on edge lately. Barked at the kids a few times....not that they didn't deserve it, but still. I'm having to pay a little closer attention to that sort of thing now.
I've been tired lately too. I figured sobering up would give me a burst of energy. Not so much so far. I do feel much better, but by 10:00-10:30 at night I'm tired.
I don't anticipate any triggers popping up in the next couple of weeks. The weekends used to be a trigger, but I'm over that.
We have a cabin on the river out in the hill country. We're going out there with my wife's cousins in a few weeks. The cousins are both drinkers, and I don't know that I've ever spent a night (much less an entire weekend) at the cabin without getting hammered. It's just what we do....start drinking early and then once we get the kids to bed, it's on! We sit by the campfire and get wasted. Every night we're there.
Anyway, that's a few weekends from now, but I'm already trying to figure out how I'm going to navigate that weekend sober. I don't think my cousins will be terribly impressed if I show up and announce that I'm not drinking. Might be better to just make my normal drinks but forget to add the Vodka. I don't anticipate any willpower problems if I got that route.
Not sure why I'm worrying about this now....I'm tired.
Still going strong with this whole sobriety thing. Haven't had any pings. I think I've gone past the point where making a drink after the kids go to bed is an unconscious decision.
I have been a little more on edge lately. Barked at the kids a few times....not that they didn't deserve it, but still. I'm having to pay a little closer attention to that sort of thing now.
I've been tired lately too. I figured sobering up would give me a burst of energy. Not so much so far. I do feel much better, but by 10:00-10:30 at night I'm tired.
I don't anticipate any triggers popping up in the next couple of weeks. The weekends used to be a trigger, but I'm over that.
We have a cabin on the river out in the hill country. We're going out there with my wife's cousins in a few weeks. The cousins are both drinkers, and I don't know that I've ever spent a night (much less an entire weekend) at the cabin without getting hammered. It's just what we do....start drinking early and then once we get the kids to bed, it's on! We sit by the campfire and get wasted. Every night we're there.
Anyway, that's a few weekends from now, but I'm already trying to figure out how I'm going to navigate that weekend sober. I don't think my cousins will be terribly impressed if I show up and announce that I'm not drinking. Might be better to just make my normal drinks but forget to add the Vodka. I don't anticipate any willpower problems if I got that route.
Not sure why I'm worrying about this now....I'm tired.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Day 15 - I was drunk....
I was drunk on my wedding night.
I was drunk every night of my honeymoon.
I was drunk the night my younger son was born.
I was drunk 15 nights ago.
Last year I went on vacation to California for two weeks....I was drunk every night during that vacation.
I was drunk Christmas night....and the previous Christmas night.
I was drunk during last year's Super Bowl....1997 was the last Super Bowl that I remember watching completely sober.
I was drunk the day my Mom got out of prison. Haha! David Allen Coe song.
I was drunk the night of my grandfather's funeral in December...and the night before.
I was drunk the night Princess Diana died.
I was drunk on my birthday.
I was drunk the night of my last wedding anniversary.
I was drunk Thanksgiving night.
I was drunk the night OJ rode around in the white Bronco.
I've been drunk every New Year's Eve for the last 20+ years.
I was drunk the night before Father's day when I was 17 years old. I spent the night at a friend's house. Got up the next morning, went home and crawled into bed. My Mom made blueberry pancakes for breakfast to celebrate Father's Day. I was too hungover to participate. The rest of the family ate pancakes...I puked in the toilet. That was my first real drunk.
I'm not drunk tonight.....I'm going to bed sober.
I was drunk every night of my honeymoon.
I was drunk the night my younger son was born.
I was drunk 15 nights ago.
Last year I went on vacation to California for two weeks....I was drunk every night during that vacation.
I was drunk Christmas night....and the previous Christmas night.
I was drunk during last year's Super Bowl....1997 was the last Super Bowl that I remember watching completely sober.
I was drunk the day my Mom got out of prison. Haha! David Allen Coe song.
I was drunk the night of my grandfather's funeral in December...and the night before.
I was drunk the night Princess Diana died.
I was drunk on my birthday.
I was drunk the night of my last wedding anniversary.
I was drunk Thanksgiving night.
I was drunk the night OJ rode around in the white Bronco.
I've been drunk every New Year's Eve for the last 20+ years.
I was drunk the night before Father's day when I was 17 years old. I spent the night at a friend's house. Got up the next morning, went home and crawled into bed. My Mom made blueberry pancakes for breakfast to celebrate Father's Day. I was too hungover to participate. The rest of the family ate pancakes...I puked in the toilet. That was my first real drunk.
I'm not drunk tonight.....I'm going to bed sober.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Day 14
Made it through my bachelor weekend without a problem. Two full weeks without a drink. I'm not sure if it's the blog or what, but before I started this little shindig two weeks ago I couldn't go more than three or four days without hitting the liquor store and buying a bottle of vodka. Good times! I kept myself pretty busy today...that helped.
I was thinking about some of the dumb things I've done while drunk. Fortunately, I never got into any trouble because of my drinking....no DUI's, wrecks, arrests, or anything like that. Most of the dumb things I've done while drunk I can look back at and at least kinda laugh. I remembered one today:
About seven or so years ago I was hammered one night (shocker!) when I decided it was social media time. This was before Facebook, when Myspace was all the rage. So my drunk ass logged onto Myspace. That's all I remember about that evening.
Then next morning I opened my laptop and noticed that I had a bunch of emails from various friends, some of whom I hadn't talked to in awhile. I opened up the first email. It said,
"Hey, thanks....but it's not my birthday."
Me: "huh?"
I opened up the next email:
"Dude, my birthday isn't until June...dumbass!"
Me: "Uh-oh.....what did I do last night?'
Third email, "Thanks for the birthday wishes....you're only two weeks late."
I didn't bother reading the other emails. Instead, I reluctantly logged onto Myspace to see what I had done the previous night. Sure enough, I had sent a personal message to every one of my friends saying happy birthday! I had no recollection of sending a message to anybody.
Luckily, those are one of my drunken stories that I can look back at and laugh....as embarrassing as it was. Nowadays I'll still get an occasional late night text saying "Happy Birthday" from my friend, Rick. That's his way of telling me he's drinking. I don't plan on sending him any late night birthday texts any more.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Day 12 - bachelor weekend
I'm gonna go ahead and throw this out there: On a Friday night, my kitchen is much more fun when it's spinning around me. It just is.
Having said that, no drink tonight. I figured this weekend would be a challenge. My wife took the boys to Houston to see the grandparents for the weekend. That means I've got the house to myself all weekend.
Normal operating procedure for such a weekend would be for me to stock up on vodka on Friday afternoon. Then I'd hit it early....like 6:00 or 7:00 and I'd power on until about 2:00. I'd fill the night with junk food, TV, Youtube, and probably a fair amount of drunk texting as the night went on. My typical two stiff drinks would likely turn into three or four. That's up to 12 shots of vodka. I'd go to bed late and wake up feeling like shit. Then I'd try to be productive on Saturday, but I'd be tired from getting creased the previous night. Saturday night would be round two.
This weekend is different. It's Friday night and I don't feel the urge to drink. But I was thinking that I miss staying up late and being useless.....yeah, it's good to be productive, and there's more than enough stuff to do around here, but being useless every now and then is a good way to unwind. At least for me. I usually go to bed early if I'm not boozing, which is a good thing. I won't have two boys jumping on me in the morning though, so I may have a late sober night. I can sleep in tomorrow and wake up feeling good, so I'll have that going for me....which is nice?
So onward with my sober house-to-myself Friday night. I'm going to break out my favorite drinking cup (the Cheeseburger in Paradise plastic mug I got in Hawaii several years ago), fill it halfway with ice, and dump a can of Diet Dew in there. It'll be just like most of my other Friday nights, minus the Vodka.
Cheers!
Having said that, no drink tonight. I figured this weekend would be a challenge. My wife took the boys to Houston to see the grandparents for the weekend. That means I've got the house to myself all weekend.
Normal operating procedure for such a weekend would be for me to stock up on vodka on Friday afternoon. Then I'd hit it early....like 6:00 or 7:00 and I'd power on until about 2:00. I'd fill the night with junk food, TV, Youtube, and probably a fair amount of drunk texting as the night went on. My typical two stiff drinks would likely turn into three or four. That's up to 12 shots of vodka. I'd go to bed late and wake up feeling like shit. Then I'd try to be productive on Saturday, but I'd be tired from getting creased the previous night. Saturday night would be round two.
This weekend is different. It's Friday night and I don't feel the urge to drink. But I was thinking that I miss staying up late and being useless.....yeah, it's good to be productive, and there's more than enough stuff to do around here, but being useless every now and then is a good way to unwind. At least for me. I usually go to bed early if I'm not boozing, which is a good thing. I won't have two boys jumping on me in the morning though, so I may have a late sober night. I can sleep in tomorrow and wake up feeling good, so I'll have that going for me....which is nice?
So onward with my sober house-to-myself Friday night. I'm going to break out my favorite drinking cup (the Cheeseburger in Paradise plastic mug I got in Hawaii several years ago), fill it halfway with ice, and dump a can of Diet Dew in there. It'll be just like most of my other Friday nights, minus the Vodka.
Cheers!
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Day 10 - Calories
I'm cruising! Haven't had any desire to booze away any brain cells. Going to bed sober is a fantastic feeling....almost as nice as waking up unhangovered.
One of the hopeful outcomes to my new found sobriety is weight loss. I need to drop about 30, and I have for about twelve years.....I think most people gain weight after marriage. I gained weight before I got married and have yet to take it off. Coincidentally (or not) my drinking increased noticeably a few months before I married Mrs. DrinkyMcDrinks. It's not that I didn't want to get married. I did. But that whole planning a wedding thing was stressful. And we had a big wedding. Like 400 people big...and I had lots of words to say during the ceremony. Not my choice.
Sidenote: I can't take any credit for the planning part of the wedding. That was all my wife and her mother. Pretty much all I had to do was squeeze my fat ass into a tux and show up...and say a lot of words in front of 400 people.
Anyhow, the 30 pounds. I joined a crossfit gym almost two years ago. Yes, I joined the cult, and I LOVE it!. I'm stronger than I've ever been, and I've lost inches all over. But I've only lost about 10 lbs. since joining. Why? My guess is the following has been a big part of the problem:
Let's say I typically drank five nights a week. Two really stiff drinks (3 shots of vodka per) The Lose It app says a shot of 80 proof vodka is 64 calories. So that's 1920 calories of vodka per week.
64 calories per shot * 6 shots/night * 5 nights/week = 1920
That's a lot of vodka calories per week. But here's the kicker; If I'm drinking, I'm eating. By the time I get halfway done with the first vodka drink, the refrigerator starts calling my name. Could be leftovers, could be tortilla chips. If I've really feeling it I might make a giant three layer plate of nachos. My last drunken night I at a bag of leftover tortilla chips and then two big pieces of leftover meatloaf that I brought home from my parents house. That was some crazy good meatloaf.
I had to of killed over 1000 calories of food that night....but it was an especially bad night. I had three mighty strong drinks that Sunday, as opposed to the typical two.
I don't really know how many calories I typically consumed during my former drinking nights, but I'll bet it's at least 500. Times that by five nights and we're up to 2500 calories of late night binge food.
1920 calories of vodka/week + 2500 calories of (you're eating cuz you're drinking food) = 4420 calories.
And I wonder why I can't lose any fucking weight? Hopefully, sobriety will help fix that. Lord knows I get enough exercise. In ten days of sobriety, I have yet to eat anything after dinner.
One day at a time. This weekend will be a bit of a test....for reasons I'll explain later.
One of the hopeful outcomes to my new found sobriety is weight loss. I need to drop about 30, and I have for about twelve years.....I think most people gain weight after marriage. I gained weight before I got married and have yet to take it off. Coincidentally (or not) my drinking increased noticeably a few months before I married Mrs. DrinkyMcDrinks. It's not that I didn't want to get married. I did. But that whole planning a wedding thing was stressful. And we had a big wedding. Like 400 people big...and I had lots of words to say during the ceremony. Not my choice.
Sidenote: I can't take any credit for the planning part of the wedding. That was all my wife and her mother. Pretty much all I had to do was squeeze my fat ass into a tux and show up...and say a lot of words in front of 400 people.
Anyhow, the 30 pounds. I joined a crossfit gym almost two years ago. Yes, I joined the cult, and I LOVE it!. I'm stronger than I've ever been, and I've lost inches all over. But I've only lost about 10 lbs. since joining. Why? My guess is the following has been a big part of the problem:
Let's say I typically drank five nights a week. Two really stiff drinks (3 shots of vodka per) The Lose It app says a shot of 80 proof vodka is 64 calories. So that's 1920 calories of vodka per week.
64 calories per shot * 6 shots/night * 5 nights/week = 1920
That's a lot of vodka calories per week. But here's the kicker; If I'm drinking, I'm eating. By the time I get halfway done with the first vodka drink, the refrigerator starts calling my name. Could be leftovers, could be tortilla chips. If I've really feeling it I might make a giant three layer plate of nachos. My last drunken night I at a bag of leftover tortilla chips and then two big pieces of leftover meatloaf that I brought home from my parents house. That was some crazy good meatloaf.
I had to of killed over 1000 calories of food that night....but it was an especially bad night. I had three mighty strong drinks that Sunday, as opposed to the typical two.
I don't really know how many calories I typically consumed during my former drinking nights, but I'll bet it's at least 500. Times that by five nights and we're up to 2500 calories of late night binge food.
1920 calories of vodka/week + 2500 calories of (you're eating cuz you're drinking food) = 4420 calories.
And I wonder why I can't lose any fucking weight? Hopefully, sobriety will help fix that. Lord knows I get enough exercise. In ten days of sobriety, I have yet to eat anything after dinner.
One day at a time. This weekend will be a bit of a test....for reasons I'll explain later.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Day 8
Made it a week!!! Actually, I'm just about to finish day eight. It's been over a year since I've gone a week without booze. I've been sleeping much better, obviously.
It hasn't been nearly as difficult as I thought it would be which is strange because I've tried to quit many times over the last year. And failed. I think the main difference this time is the fact that I'm blogging about it and I've become slightly obsessed with following other blogs and researching alcoholism. That's given me something to focus on. Been reading Mrs D Is Going Without lately. That's my new favorite.
One strange thing; I haven't had much of an urge to drink in the last week, but I've been obsessed with the fact that I'm not drinking....so I think about booze most of the time. I assume that will go away at some point. One day at a time.
It hasn't been nearly as difficult as I thought it would be which is strange because I've tried to quit many times over the last year. And failed. I think the main difference this time is the fact that I'm blogging about it and I've become slightly obsessed with following other blogs and researching alcoholism. That's given me something to focus on. Been reading Mrs D Is Going Without lately. That's my new favorite.
One strange thing; I haven't had much of an urge to drink in the last week, but I've been obsessed with the fact that I'm not drinking....so I think about booze most of the time. I assume that will go away at some point. One day at a time.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Day 6
Days four and five were relatively easy, although last night was the first Friday in a long time that I spent sober....at least a year.
Today was definitely a little more of a challenge. I hung out with one of my best friends this afternoon. I was helping him paint a guitar body in his garage. Yeah, a couple of 40 year old geeks in the garage acting like high school kids.
We had to run to the hardware store and on the way back my friend stopped at the liquor store for some beer. Wasn't that big of a deal, but for a split second I had that urge to buy a bottle of vodka for the evening. The urge passed though and all was good. He offered me a beer when we got back to his house, but even when I was drinking, it was neither my time or place.
The drive home is when it really hit me. My wife had spent the afternoon with the boys. They were being assholes and my wife was justifiably irritated with them. I knew walking into my house was going to be chaotic. It was also Saturday afternoon. That's when the little voice inside of me started talking.....and I quote:
"Hey dipshit, this whole sobriety thing is really cute and all, but let's be honest; It's been six days since our last drink. You haven't told anybody that you quit drinking, and nobody has read or has any idea that you started this ridiculous little blog. Enough is enough. Stop by the liquor store on your way home and pick us up a bottle of vodka. Let's get fucked up tonight.....watch Metal Mania and drunk text your friends. Just like old times!
Do it! And buy the big bottle. The liquor store is closed on Sunday and I want this party to last a few days."
That was the first real urge I've had since I've started this dry voyage. It passed, and the rest of the evening was fine. It's weird, but resisting the urge to stop at the liquor store on the way home kinda killed the urge for the rest of the night.
Tomorrow will be one week....One day at a time!
Today was definitely a little more of a challenge. I hung out with one of my best friends this afternoon. I was helping him paint a guitar body in his garage. Yeah, a couple of 40 year old geeks in the garage acting like high school kids.
We had to run to the hardware store and on the way back my friend stopped at the liquor store for some beer. Wasn't that big of a deal, but for a split second I had that urge to buy a bottle of vodka for the evening. The urge passed though and all was good. He offered me a beer when we got back to his house, but even when I was drinking, it was neither my time or place.
The drive home is when it really hit me. My wife had spent the afternoon with the boys. They were being assholes and my wife was justifiably irritated with them. I knew walking into my house was going to be chaotic. It was also Saturday afternoon. That's when the little voice inside of me started talking.....and I quote:
"Hey dipshit, this whole sobriety thing is really cute and all, but let's be honest; It's been six days since our last drink. You haven't told anybody that you quit drinking, and nobody has read or has any idea that you started this ridiculous little blog. Enough is enough. Stop by the liquor store on your way home and pick us up a bottle of vodka. Let's get fucked up tonight.....watch Metal Mania and drunk text your friends. Just like old times!
Do it! And buy the big bottle. The liquor store is closed on Sunday and I want this party to last a few days."
That was the first real urge I've had since I've started this dry voyage. It passed, and the rest of the evening was fine. It's weird, but resisting the urge to stop at the liquor store on the way home kinda killed the urge for the rest of the night.
Tomorrow will be one week....One day at a time!
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Day 3
Three days, no booze. Haven't really felt like it either. Doesn't really surprise me. Three or four days aren't usually a problem, and I haven't had any triggers yet. The weekend will likely be my first real test.
I slept better the last few nights. That's to be expected. I'm tired tonight though. Gonna go to bed....sober.
I slept better the last few nights. That's to be expected. I'm tired tonight though. Gonna go to bed....sober.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Day 2
A little background:
I'm 40 years old and married with two young boys. My family loves the hell out of me and I'm incredibly fortunate to have them. I should tell them that way more often than I do. As anybody with kids will tell you, they have a special way of driving you batty.
For several years my nightly routine has been to get the kids to bed by 8:00-8:30 and then make my first drink of the evening. My drink of choice is vodka with Diet Mountain Dew...a cup half full of ice, 2.5-3 shots of vodka, and a full can of Diet Dew. Sounds kinda gross, but it's actually really good. And unlike sober blogs, I'm pretty sure I invented this drink.
My wife usually goes to be early which leaves me all to my lonesome for the rest of the evening. And the rest of the evening could be as late as 2:00am if I'm really feeling it. I'll have at least two drinks before the night is over, but lately it's often stretched to three. That's up to nine shots of vodka per night. This happens three, four, maybe five nights a week. However, there are times when I'll do this every night for two or three weeks.
On special occasions it's on! I have no idea how many drinks I had New Year's Eve.
I had lunch with an old friend today which was nice. Found out that one of our other friends, a guy we used to work with, just went to jail for two years. I didn't get the full story, but it involved a hit and run, and our mutual friend was drunk. He's struggled with alcoholism for many years. The three of us used to work in a warehouse together back in the day. Our friend used to occasionally show up for work drunk. The owner of the company was a really nice guy, so instead of firing him on the spot, the owner would send him home for the day. Eventually, the owner bought a breathalyzer and made our friend blow before starting work every morning. Sad story.
Anyway, I woke up feeling good this morning. It's still an hour or two until I'd typically make my first drink, but it's not happening tonight. That I know. One day at a time.
I'm 40 years old and married with two young boys. My family loves the hell out of me and I'm incredibly fortunate to have them. I should tell them that way more often than I do. As anybody with kids will tell you, they have a special way of driving you batty.
For several years my nightly routine has been to get the kids to bed by 8:00-8:30 and then make my first drink of the evening. My drink of choice is vodka with Diet Mountain Dew...a cup half full of ice, 2.5-3 shots of vodka, and a full can of Diet Dew. Sounds kinda gross, but it's actually really good. And unlike sober blogs, I'm pretty sure I invented this drink.
My wife usually goes to be early which leaves me all to my lonesome for the rest of the evening. And the rest of the evening could be as late as 2:00am if I'm really feeling it. I'll have at least two drinks before the night is over, but lately it's often stretched to three. That's up to nine shots of vodka per night. This happens three, four, maybe five nights a week. However, there are times when I'll do this every night for two or three weeks.
On special occasions it's on! I have no idea how many drinks I had New Year's Eve.
I had lunch with an old friend today which was nice. Found out that one of our other friends, a guy we used to work with, just went to jail for two years. I didn't get the full story, but it involved a hit and run, and our mutual friend was drunk. He's struggled with alcoholism for many years. The three of us used to work in a warehouse together back in the day. Our friend used to occasionally show up for work drunk. The owner of the company was a really nice guy, so instead of firing him on the spot, the owner would send him home for the day. Eventually, the owner bought a breathalyzer and made our friend blow before starting work every morning. Sad story.
Anyway, I woke up feeling good this morning. It's still an hour or two until I'd typically make my first drink, but it's not happening tonight. That I know. One day at a time.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Day 1
I drink too much! There, I said it. I've known this for a long time. Most of the time I either rationalize the problem, or deny that it exists. But it does. I can't seem to stop for more than a few days at a time.
I love being drunk! It's fun. Even when I'm alone, which is actually my preferred time to drink. After getting hammered last night, for the fourth night in a row, I woke up this morning feeling pretty damn good. I seem to have perfected the art of getting smashed, staying up way too late, and avoiding a hangover the next morning. Now, I feel much better in the mornings that follow a sober night, but it's been well over a year since my last good hangover.
I woke up this morning feeling fine physically, but mentally I was off. I haven't found a way of avoiding that....not after a night of heavy boozing.
So this morning I had a grand idea: Why not challenge myself to one hundred days of sobriety and blog about the experience? As with most of my ideas, I pat myself on the back and call myself a genyous, and then soon find out that I was the several millionth person to come up with the idea. Yeah, sober blogs.
Oh well, I'm doing it anyway. I think I went 30 or so days without a drink about a year ago. It's been a steady downhill fall ever since. I don't get physical withdrawals, and a few booze free days in a row typically isn't a problem. It's the fourth or fifth nights where the cravings really start hitting me. Hopefully this blog will help. And hopefully I'll learn something along the way.
Anyway, Day 1 almost finished. It was a success!
I love being drunk! It's fun. Even when I'm alone, which is actually my preferred time to drink. After getting hammered last night, for the fourth night in a row, I woke up this morning feeling pretty damn good. I seem to have perfected the art of getting smashed, staying up way too late, and avoiding a hangover the next morning. Now, I feel much better in the mornings that follow a sober night, but it's been well over a year since my last good hangover.
I woke up this morning feeling fine physically, but mentally I was off. I haven't found a way of avoiding that....not after a night of heavy boozing.
So this morning I had a grand idea: Why not challenge myself to one hundred days of sobriety and blog about the experience? As with most of my ideas, I pat myself on the back and call myself a genyous, and then soon find out that I was the several millionth person to come up with the idea. Yeah, sober blogs.
Oh well, I'm doing it anyway. I think I went 30 or so days without a drink about a year ago. It's been a steady downhill fall ever since. I don't get physical withdrawals, and a few booze free days in a row typically isn't a problem. It's the fourth or fifth nights where the cravings really start hitting me. Hopefully this blog will help. And hopefully I'll learn something along the way.
Anyway, Day 1 almost finished. It was a success!
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