Gene's been quiet lately. Eerily quiet. I'm not sure where he went. I haven't even thought about drinking lately. I like that. I know it won't last forever, or maybe it will. It won't. I'm not going to let my guard down. It's been nice though.
When I first quit drinking I noticed that I was angry more often than normal. Going sober meant having to deal with anger, frustration, and every other negative emotion that I used to squash with vodka. I expected that, thanks to all of the other sober blogs I read. It was rough at first, but I think I've gotten a hold of it now.
Some days suck! That's just the way it is. That's life. I can't say that I've learned to enjoy the shitty days, but I'm learning to accept them. I'm learning to live in them....and I realize that one shitty day doesn't necessarily mean the next day will be shitty...especially if I proactively do something to fix a bad day. And that's much easier to do with a clear head....and by "clear", I mean sober.
Of course the downside to that is the fact that having one great day doesn't necessarily mean that the next day will be great. Life doesn't work that way....unless of course you're Tony Robbins. Just watching him wears me out though.
My son's school principal never seems to have a bad day. Always smiles with him. I envy that. It's kinda weird and corny, especially for someone like me who tends to live on the more sarcastic side of life. Could just be a front though. Like a sad clown.....not that I think he's a clown. Where was I?
Oh yeah, sobriety. Hasn't felt like a challenge lately. Feels more like seeing a long lost friend. And that's kinda nice.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Monday, February 24, 2014
Day 43 - I'm very fortunate
First of all, I'm really bad at dates....as in dates of the month. What I mean by that is if I know today is the 24th and it's Monday, the only way that I could figure out what last Wednesday's date was would be to either look at a calendar or count back one day at a time using my fingers. I know it's simple math, but it completely escapes me.
I just reread the above paragraph and it didn't make any sense to me either.
No, I'm not drunk!
The reason I mentioned my date deficiency is because I figure out what day of sobriety I'm on based on the last date that I posted....and I just realized that there's a good chance that I'm not even on day 43 of this journey. But I'm sticking with day 43....at least until tomorrow.
Anyway, it's good to get that off my chest and out of the way.
I swear I'm not drunk....or stoned!
Was thinking about my sobriety today and I realized how good I have it. Yeah, it sucks that I can't be one of those guys who can have a few drinks once and awhile and then put the bottle away for a few weeks, but I've got a few things going for me here.
I was a nighttime alone drinker. I always figured that drinking alone was likely a sign of a problem, but for me it seems to be somewhat of a blessing. Since I rarely ever drank with other people, I don't have any drinking buddies. I have friends that I used to drink with, but things happen, life gets in the way, and I don't see most of these friends all that much. We stay in touch, but its mostly through email and texts.
I still see some of my old drinking buddies on a fairly regular basis, but we don't drink together much anymore....we do other things. Golf, eat, paint guitars in garages...things like that.
I have family members who drink and they usually indulge on holidays and other occasions. They know that I drink/drank, but I rarely ever drank around them, mostly because I refuse to drive after even one drink.
My friends and family don't know that I have a drinking problem, and they don't know that I quit. It'll probably come up at some point, but it could be a long time before it does, and it likely won't be a big deal when it does.
The upshot of being an alone drinker is that I haven't had any peer pressure about having a drink. That's been a big help I believe....and for that I feel very fortunate. Quitting the drink can be a real pain in the ass. Having a bunch of people tell me that I don't really have a drinking problem is something I'm happy to not have to deal with.
I just reread the above paragraph and it didn't make any sense to me either.
No, I'm not drunk!
The reason I mentioned my date deficiency is because I figure out what day of sobriety I'm on based on the last date that I posted....and I just realized that there's a good chance that I'm not even on day 43 of this journey. But I'm sticking with day 43....at least until tomorrow.
Anyway, it's good to get that off my chest and out of the way.
I swear I'm not drunk....or stoned!
Was thinking about my sobriety today and I realized how good I have it. Yeah, it sucks that I can't be one of those guys who can have a few drinks once and awhile and then put the bottle away for a few weeks, but I've got a few things going for me here.
I was a nighttime alone drinker. I always figured that drinking alone was likely a sign of a problem, but for me it seems to be somewhat of a blessing. Since I rarely ever drank with other people, I don't have any drinking buddies. I have friends that I used to drink with, but things happen, life gets in the way, and I don't see most of these friends all that much. We stay in touch, but its mostly through email and texts.
I still see some of my old drinking buddies on a fairly regular basis, but we don't drink together much anymore....we do other things. Golf, eat, paint guitars in garages...things like that.
I have family members who drink and they usually indulge on holidays and other occasions. They know that I drink/drank, but I rarely ever drank around them, mostly because I refuse to drive after even one drink.
My friends and family don't know that I have a drinking problem, and they don't know that I quit. It'll probably come up at some point, but it could be a long time before it does, and it likely won't be a big deal when it does.
The upshot of being an alone drinker is that I haven't had any peer pressure about having a drink. That's been a big help I believe....and for that I feel very fortunate. Quitting the drink can be a real pain in the ass. Having a bunch of people tell me that I don't really have a drinking problem is something I'm happy to not have to deal with.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Day 40 - Autopilot
It's been ten days since I've posted. Still going strong though. I was feeling a little obsessed over my drinking, or lack thereof. So I decided to try to concentrate on other things for awhile. Next thing I knew it was ten days later and I hadn't checked into my blog. I guess I haven't had much to say lately.
A few things;
1. I feel like I've been on autopilot for awhile now. I know that Gene could creep up and start talking at any time, but he's been quiet lately. Maybe he's planning Kiss's annual farewell tour.
2. I've been craving sugar like crazy lately. Not sure what that's about. As with booze, monitoring my sugar intake didn't seem to be working, so I gave it all up for awhile. I'm sure that something new will pop up for me to addict myself to. Hopefully it will be something like running as opposed to heroin.
3. I haven't craved a drink in quite awhile. My wife is going out with some friends tonight. Normally that would mean a night of heavy drinking for me. The thought didn't even cross my mind until I decided to write this post. That's a nice feeling.
4. I still can't get over how much better I've been sleeping over the last month. I've always loved to sleep. I know, weird....but it's true. I'm not gonna lie and say that I'm one of those fellows who believes that sleep takes away from productivity. Sleeping is fun and drinking robbed me of that.
I rarely ever got hangovers when I was drinking. But when I woke up in the morning after a night of heavy drinking, the first thought that popped into my head was always, "Ugh, I drank last night." It was usually the dry mouth, slight headache, and the realization that I went to bed too late and was going to be tired much of the day....shitty feeling.
Not very entertaining side story: I learned early on in college that if I needed a lot of studying to pass an exam, I was doomed if I didn't start studying a few days in advance. That whole staying up all night cramming for an exam thing never worked for me. I could tell myself over and over that I'd fail an exam if I didn't stay up all night cramming, and I proved myself right a few times, but when it got late and I got tired.....that was it. I was going to bed....didn't matter how important the next morning's exam was.
That's all I got for now.
A few things;
1. I feel like I've been on autopilot for awhile now. I know that Gene could creep up and start talking at any time, but he's been quiet lately. Maybe he's planning Kiss's annual farewell tour.
2. I've been craving sugar like crazy lately. Not sure what that's about. As with booze, monitoring my sugar intake didn't seem to be working, so I gave it all up for awhile. I'm sure that something new will pop up for me to addict myself to. Hopefully it will be something like running as opposed to heroin.
3. I haven't craved a drink in quite awhile. My wife is going out with some friends tonight. Normally that would mean a night of heavy drinking for me. The thought didn't even cross my mind until I decided to write this post. That's a nice feeling.
4. I still can't get over how much better I've been sleeping over the last month. I've always loved to sleep. I know, weird....but it's true. I'm not gonna lie and say that I'm one of those fellows who believes that sleep takes away from productivity. Sleeping is fun and drinking robbed me of that.
I rarely ever got hangovers when I was drinking. But when I woke up in the morning after a night of heavy drinking, the first thought that popped into my head was always, "Ugh, I drank last night." It was usually the dry mouth, slight headache, and the realization that I went to bed too late and was going to be tired much of the day....shitty feeling.
Not very entertaining side story: I learned early on in college that if I needed a lot of studying to pass an exam, I was doomed if I didn't start studying a few days in advance. That whole staying up all night cramming for an exam thing never worked for me. I could tell myself over and over that I'd fail an exam if I didn't stay up all night cramming, and I proved myself right a few times, but when it got late and I got tired.....that was it. I was going to bed....didn't matter how important the next morning's exam was.
That's all I got for now.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Day 30 - A few things
I'm getting kinda bored with this whole sobriety thing. Not being sober, that's been really nice. But the nostalgia has worn off and I'm tired of thinking about it. The problem is I can't stop thinking about it. That's getting old. It was exciting for awhile. Now I'm just a guy who isn't drinking. I should be excited at the fact that I haven't had a drink in over four weeks, but it seems to be more of a "ah, whatever" feeling. I guess that's good in a way.
So far this journey has been incredibly easy for me....except for when it hasn't been. Then it just plain sucks! Fortunately, those "just plain sucks" times are far and few between. They do tend to come out of nowhere though. That voice....Wolfie, Sally...lately I've been calling him Gene Simmons. Not sure why.
I was at the grocery store yesterday. The lady at the register finished scanning my stuff and said, "Do you need any ice or stamps?" Ice!.....That's when Gene started talking.
About six months ago the ice maker on our refrigerator broke. We had it fixed under warranty several years ago and if not for the warranty it would have cost us close to $200 to fix. A bag of ice is $4. I did the math....and I'm kinda lazy sometimes. So I started buying bags of ice once and awhile instead of calling a repair man.
Ice was a basic necessity for my vodka drinks so along with the vodka and diet Dew, I ALWAYS made sure I had enough ice to get me through the evening before I commenced with the evening's drink a thon. I haven't bought ice since I stopped drinking, and the grocery store clerk's comment proved to be a major trigger.....it came out of nowhere....He did...Gene. He started talking and he wouldn't shut up for a good long while.
I powered through, but it wasn't fun. The grocery store clerk should have known better than to do that to me. Haha!
So far this journey has been incredibly easy for me....except for when it hasn't been. Then it just plain sucks! Fortunately, those "just plain sucks" times are far and few between. They do tend to come out of nowhere though. That voice....Wolfie, Sally...lately I've been calling him Gene Simmons. Not sure why.
I was at the grocery store yesterday. The lady at the register finished scanning my stuff and said, "Do you need any ice or stamps?" Ice!.....That's when Gene started talking.
About six months ago the ice maker on our refrigerator broke. We had it fixed under warranty several years ago and if not for the warranty it would have cost us close to $200 to fix. A bag of ice is $4. I did the math....and I'm kinda lazy sometimes. So I started buying bags of ice once and awhile instead of calling a repair man.
Ice was a basic necessity for my vodka drinks so along with the vodka and diet Dew, I ALWAYS made sure I had enough ice to get me through the evening before I commenced with the evening's drink a thon. I haven't bought ice since I stopped drinking, and the grocery store clerk's comment proved to be a major trigger.....it came out of nowhere....He did...Gene. He started talking and he wouldn't shut up for a good long while.
I powered through, but it wasn't fun. The grocery store clerk should have known better than to do that to me. Haha!
Friday, February 7, 2014
Day 26 - First world problems
A couple weeks ago we had rain all day Thursday which turned to sleet that night. No news from the school district about any closures. The next morning the streets were iced over. I spent 15 minutes breaking the ice off of my windshield. Took the older boy (Seven) to school. As we were getting out of the car the crossing guard said, "they just announced school would be starting two hours late." Great timing. Then ended up cancelling the whole day. Later that evening the district super sent an email apologizing for his late decision.
Jump forward to this Wednesday night. Forecast said below freezing temps with no chance of precipitation. Still, at 9:30 we got the call, email, and text saying school would be starting two hours late. Ok, fine.
Yesterday morning it was cold...stayed cold all day, but no precipitation. The roads were fine. That was slightly irritating because my younger son (Five) goes to a pre-school from 9-1 every day. If Seven's school starts late, which it did yesterday, then Five's school is closed altogether for the day. It wasn't that big of a deal though.
Last night the forecast called for below freezing temps again with a 10% chance of rain/sleet. Around here, a 10% chance of rain means there's no chance of rain....it aint happening. We have to get up to a 50-60% chance before it even comes close to raining.
Still, 9:30 last night I was getting ready for bed when the phone call/email/text came in....schools are all cancelled on Friday. Are you fucking kidding me???!!! I was pissed because I knew it wouldn't rain or sleet....which it didn't....anywhere in the city. The boys were already on edge from being stuck in the house most of Thursday due to the cold temps. Friday was going to be hell!
So as I was getting ready for bed I was cussing out the school district superintendent under my breath and running through all the reasons why I fully deserved to be pissed off at everything and how being stuck in the house with the boys all day Friday was going to drive me nuts and this and that and then it dawned on me.....
I was about to go to bed completely sober...for the 25th day in a row. And tomorrow I was going to wake up feeling good and unhungovered.
I was ok after that. Today was kinda rough but the boys and I powered through. And Daddy stayed sober......again.
Jump forward to this Wednesday night. Forecast said below freezing temps with no chance of precipitation. Still, at 9:30 we got the call, email, and text saying school would be starting two hours late. Ok, fine.
Yesterday morning it was cold...stayed cold all day, but no precipitation. The roads were fine. That was slightly irritating because my younger son (Five) goes to a pre-school from 9-1 every day. If Seven's school starts late, which it did yesterday, then Five's school is closed altogether for the day. It wasn't that big of a deal though.
Last night the forecast called for below freezing temps again with a 10% chance of rain/sleet. Around here, a 10% chance of rain means there's no chance of rain....it aint happening. We have to get up to a 50-60% chance before it even comes close to raining.
Still, 9:30 last night I was getting ready for bed when the phone call/email/text came in....schools are all cancelled on Friday. Are you fucking kidding me???!!! I was pissed because I knew it wouldn't rain or sleet....which it didn't....anywhere in the city. The boys were already on edge from being stuck in the house most of Thursday due to the cold temps. Friday was going to be hell!
So as I was getting ready for bed I was cussing out the school district superintendent under my breath and running through all the reasons why I fully deserved to be pissed off at everything and how being stuck in the house with the boys all day Friday was going to drive me nuts and this and that and then it dawned on me.....
I was about to go to bed completely sober...for the 25th day in a row. And tomorrow I was going to wake up feeling good and unhungovered.
I was ok after that. Today was kinda rough but the boys and I powered through. And Daddy stayed sober......again.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Day 23
I've been trotting along taking this whole sobriety thing one day at a time and today I realized that the whole point of this blog was to make it 100 days booze free. I do that....get all into some new idea, absorb myself in the process, and then completely forget what the original plan or goal was.
When I started this journey, 100 days of sobriety seemed like a lifetime. I've been drinking for 20 some odd years and since then I've NEVER gone 100 days without a drink. But now that I'm on day 23, 100 days doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I'm proud of being able to say that. I'm also an idiot for saying that because I haven't really been tested yet.
The logical part of my dome knows that I can't go back to drinking after 100 days. It just doesn't work that way...at least not for me.
I drink wayyyyy too much diet soda, and I have for a long time. I know that I should drink more water and that artificial sweeteners are blah blah blah....I don't give two shitz! I've given up booze....one vice at a time.
About a year ago I decided that it was time to give up the diet soda. And I did....for about a month. Then one day I had the urge for one and I used the "everything in moderation" argument to convince myself to buy a diet coke....one of those big convenient stores ones....44oz. It was magical! Tasted better than I remembered. A few days later I had another....then another. Soon I was back to injecting the stuff into my veins.
I guess my point is moderation is likely never going to be an option for me...not with booze. So 100 days isn't going to be enough. Still, the idea of a lifetime of sobriety is a monster I'm not willing to tackle yet. I think that's why the "one day at a time" things has been working for me so far.
When I started this journey, 100 days of sobriety seemed like a lifetime. I've been drinking for 20 some odd years and since then I've NEVER gone 100 days without a drink. But now that I'm on day 23, 100 days doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I'm proud of being able to say that. I'm also an idiot for saying that because I haven't really been tested yet.
The logical part of my dome knows that I can't go back to drinking after 100 days. It just doesn't work that way...at least not for me.
I drink wayyyyy too much diet soda, and I have for a long time. I know that I should drink more water and that artificial sweeteners are blah blah blah....I don't give two shitz! I've given up booze....one vice at a time.
About a year ago I decided that it was time to give up the diet soda. And I did....for about a month. Then one day I had the urge for one and I used the "everything in moderation" argument to convince myself to buy a diet coke....one of those big convenient stores ones....44oz. It was magical! Tasted better than I remembered. A few days later I had another....then another. Soon I was back to injecting the stuff into my veins.
I guess my point is moderation is likely never going to be an option for me...not with booze. So 100 days isn't going to be enough. Still, the idea of a lifetime of sobriety is a monster I'm not willing to tackle yet. I think that's why the "one day at a time" things has been working for me so far.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Day 22 - A sober Super Bowl
Well that wasn't so hard. It's been a long time since I've watched a Super Bowl unboozed. I had an invite to a friends Super Bowl party. He promised quarter bets on anything and plenty of shots. I would have gone (and not drank), but my boys were really excited about watching the game this year and they weren't interested in going to a party. So we watched it at home.....and it was nice.
Three full weeks down now. I hate to say that it's been easier than expected....but it has...so far. I still get the occasional urge. It's more of an impulse than an urge I guess. It's an impulse followed by a quick feeling of excited anticipation, immediately followed by a slightly depressing feeling. "Oh yeah, I'm not drinking anymore." The heroin helps with that.....kidding. I assume those impulses will end up lasting quite a long time. After all, I drank on a fairly regular basis for over 20 years. Sounds like a real problem when I look at it that way.
Speaking of heroin, Philip Seymour Hoffman died of an apparent heroin overdose yesterday. Sad ending for an incredible actor. I don't have any experience with heroin or most any illegal substance. I was always deathly afraid to try anything like heroin.....not that I ever had it offered to me. I've read about how amazing the high is, and how addictive it is. I can't stop drinking diet soda, I wouldn't stand a chance against heroin.
Day 23 tomorrow.....Bring it!
Three full weeks down now. I hate to say that it's been easier than expected....but it has...so far. I still get the occasional urge. It's more of an impulse than an urge I guess. It's an impulse followed by a quick feeling of excited anticipation, immediately followed by a slightly depressing feeling. "Oh yeah, I'm not drinking anymore." The heroin helps with that.....kidding. I assume those impulses will end up lasting quite a long time. After all, I drank on a fairly regular basis for over 20 years. Sounds like a real problem when I look at it that way.
Speaking of heroin, Philip Seymour Hoffman died of an apparent heroin overdose yesterday. Sad ending for an incredible actor. I don't have any experience with heroin or most any illegal substance. I was always deathly afraid to try anything like heroin.....not that I ever had it offered to me. I've read about how amazing the high is, and how addictive it is. I can't stop drinking diet soda, I wouldn't stand a chance against heroin.
Day 23 tomorrow.....Bring it!
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