Day 19 - bored

It used to not matter to me what night of the week it was....as far as drinking went.  But now that I'm not drinking, it seems like Friday's always bring a little ping.  Tonight it came while I was walking the dog. 

It wasn't a really a strong will-I-or-won't-I struggle.  It was more of an "I can't wait to unwind with a couple of drinks tonight" impulse.  And then of course reality sunk in.  That's a shitty feeling. I've had it many times before, but it was usually food related.  "I'm gonna order a giant pizza tonight.....Oh wait, I'm supposed to be eating healthier."   That sorta thing.

I'm coming up on three weeks.  I know I keep mentioning it, but I can't get over how much better I've been sleeping.  There have been small but noticeable improvements in various other areas over the last few weeks, but man, the sleeping is just amazing!

I got to the gym a little early today so I grabbed a foam roller and intentionally collapsed onto the floor to stretch.  Yesterday's workout was brutal and I'm sore everywhere.  After I fell to the floor the coach laughingly asked,  "Are you drunk already?"   He knows I drink.....drank.  I've made various comments about it to him.

A few months ago he asked how I was feeling.  I told him I was working on about four hours of sleep.  He asked if I had trouble sleeping.  I laughed and admitted that I got fucking hammered the previous night and stayed up way too late.  He appreciated the honesty.

Anyway, after he asked me if I was already drunk, I told him I hadn't had a drink in close to three weeks.  That got a round of applause from him and the rest of today's group.  One guy said, "You're on the wagon?  For how long?"  I said, "I don't know....until my next drink I guess."  I wasn't really interested in turning the conversation into a serious "I drink too damn much and I can't moderate" discussion....partly because the mood was light, and partly because if they ever seen me with a drink in the future, I don't want the shame of having said that I was forever sober. 

I guess that's about all I got.

Day 17 - Damned bad weather days

Yesterday was the second bad weather day in a week.  Ugh!  That means the kids don't have school and we're stuck in the house all day.  By evening we had all had enough of each other.  It would be nice if just one time it would snow on a bad weather day.  Nope, we get sleet and maybe a little ice.  And then the whole city falls apart.

Still going strong with this whole sobriety thing.  Haven't had any pings.  I think I've gone past the point where making a drink after the kids go to bed is an unconscious decision.

I have been a little more on edge lately.  Barked at the kids a few times....not that they didn't deserve it, but still.  I'm having to pay a little closer attention to that sort of thing now. 

I've been tired lately too.  I figured sobering up would give me a burst of energy.  Not so much so far.  I do feel much better, but by 10:00-10:30 at night I'm tired.

I don't anticipate any triggers popping up in the next couple of weeks.  The weekends used to be a trigger, but I'm over that. 

We have a cabin on the river out in the hill country.  We're going out there with my wife's cousins in a few weeks.  The cousins are both drinkers, and I don't know that I've ever spent a night (much less an entire weekend) at the cabin without getting hammered.  It's just what we do....start drinking early and then once we get the kids to bed, it's on!  We sit by the campfire and get wasted.  Every night we're there.

Anyway, that's a few weekends from now, but I'm already trying to figure out how I'm going to navigate that weekend sober.  I don't think my cousins will be terribly impressed if I show up and announce that I'm not drinking.  Might be better to just make my normal drinks but forget to add the Vodka.  I don't anticipate any willpower problems if I got that route. 

Not sure why I'm worrying about this now....I'm tired.

Day 15 - I was drunk....

I was drunk on my wedding night.

I was drunk every night of my honeymoon.

I was drunk the night my younger son was born.

I was drunk 15 nights ago.

Last year I went on vacation to California for two weeks....I was drunk every night during that vacation.

I was drunk Christmas night....and the previous Christmas night.

I was drunk during last year's Super Bowl....1997 was the last Super Bowl that I remember watching completely sober.

I was drunk the day my Mom got out of prison.  Haha!  David Allen Coe song.

I was drunk the night of my grandfather's funeral in December...and the night before.

I was drunk the night Princess Diana died.

I was drunk on my birthday.

I was drunk the night of my last wedding anniversary.

I was drunk Thanksgiving night.

I was drunk the night OJ rode around in the white Bronco.

I've been drunk every New Year's Eve for the last 20+ years.

I was drunk the night before Father's day when I was 17 years old.  I spent the night at a friend's house.  Got up the next morning, went home and crawled into bed.  My Mom made blueberry pancakes for breakfast to celebrate Father's Day.  I was too hungover to participate.  The rest of the family ate pancakes...I puked in the toilet.  That was my first real drunk.

I'm not drunk tonight.....I'm going to bed sober.

Day 14

Made it through my bachelor weekend without a problem.  Two full weeks without a drink.  I'm not sure if it's the blog or what, but before I started this little shindig two weeks ago I couldn't go more than three or four days without hitting the liquor store and buying a bottle of vodka.  Good times!  I kept myself pretty busy today...that helped.

I was thinking about some of the dumb things I've done while drunk.  Fortunately, I never got into any trouble because of my drinking....no DUI's, wrecks, arrests, or anything like that.  Most of the dumb things I've done while drunk I can look back at and at least kinda laugh.  I remembered one today:

About seven or so years ago I was hammered one night (shocker!) when I decided it was social media time.  This was before Facebook, when Myspace was all the rage.  So my drunk ass logged onto Myspace.  That's all I remember about that evening.

Then next morning I opened my laptop and noticed that I had a bunch of emails from various friends, some of whom I hadn't talked to in awhile.  I opened up the first email.  It said,

"Hey, thanks....but it's not my birthday."

Me: "huh?"

I opened up the next email:

"Dude, my birthday isn't until June...dumbass!"

Me: "Uh-oh.....what did I do last night?'

Third email, "Thanks for the birthday wishes....you're only two weeks late."

I didn't bother reading the other emails.  Instead, I reluctantly logged onto Myspace to see what I had done the previous night.  Sure enough, I had sent a personal message to every one of my friends saying happy birthday!  I had no recollection of sending a message to anybody.

Luckily, those are one of my drunken stories that I can look back at and laugh....as embarrassing as it was.  Nowadays I'll still get an occasional late night text saying "Happy Birthday" from my friend, Rick.  That's his way of telling me he's drinking.  I don't plan on sending him any late night birthday texts any more.

   

Day 12 - bachelor weekend

I'm gonna go ahead and throw this out there:  On a Friday night, my kitchen is much more fun when it's spinning around me.  It just is.

Having said that, no drink tonight.  I figured this weekend would be a challenge.  My wife took the boys to Houston to see the grandparents for the weekend.  That means I've got the house to myself all weekend. 

Normal operating procedure for such a weekend would be for me to stock up on vodka on Friday afternoon.  Then I'd hit it early....like 6:00 or 7:00 and I'd power on until about 2:00.  I'd fill the night with junk food, TV, Youtube, and probably a fair amount of drunk texting as the night went on.  My typical two stiff drinks would likely turn into three or four.  That's up to 12 shots of vodka.  I'd go to bed late and wake up feeling like shit.  Then I'd try to be productive on Saturday, but I'd be tired from getting creased the previous night.  Saturday night would be round two.

This weekend is different.  It's Friday night and I don't feel the urge to drink.  But I was thinking that I miss staying up late and being useless.....yeah, it's good to be productive, and there's more than enough stuff to do around here, but being useless every now and then is a good way to unwind.  At least for me.  I usually go to bed early if I'm not boozing, which is a good thing.  I won't have two boys jumping on me in the morning though, so I may have a late sober night.  I can sleep in tomorrow and wake up feeling good, so I'll have that going for me....which is nice?

So onward with my sober house-to-myself Friday night.  I'm going to break out my favorite drinking cup (the Cheeseburger in Paradise plastic mug I got in Hawaii several years ago), fill it halfway with ice, and dump a can of Diet Dew in there.  It'll be just like most of my other Friday nights, minus the Vodka.

Cheers!

Day 10 - Calories

I'm cruising!  Haven't had any desire to booze away any brain cells.  Going to bed sober is a fantastic feeling....almost as nice as waking up unhangovered.

One of the hopeful outcomes to my new found sobriety is weight loss.  I need to drop about 30, and I have for about twelve years.....I think most people gain weight after marriage.  I gained weight before I got married and have yet to take it off.  Coincidentally (or not) my drinking increased noticeably a few months before I married Mrs. DrinkyMcDrinks.  It's not that I didn't want to get married.  I did.  But that whole planning a wedding thing was stressful.  And we had a big wedding.  Like 400 people big...and I had lots of words to say during the ceremony.  Not my choice. 

Sidenote:  I can't take any credit for the planning part of the wedding.  That was all my wife and her mother.  Pretty much all I had to do was squeeze my fat ass into a tux and show up...and say a lot of words in front of 400 people.

Anyhow, the 30 pounds.   I joined a crossfit gym almost two years ago.  Yes, I joined the cult, and I LOVE it!.  I'm stronger than I've ever been, and I've lost inches all over.  But I've only lost about 10 lbs. since joining.  Why?  My guess is the following has been a big part of the problem:

Let's say I typically drank five nights a week. Two really stiff drinks (3 shots of vodka per)  The Lose It app says a shot of 80 proof vodka is 64 calories.  So that's 1920 calories of vodka per week.

64 calories per shot * 6 shots/night * 5 nights/week = 1920

That's a lot of vodka calories per week.  But here's the kicker;  If I'm drinking, I'm eating.  By the time I get halfway done with the first vodka drink, the refrigerator starts calling my name.  Could be leftovers, could be tortilla chips.  If I've really feeling it I might make a giant three layer plate of nachos.  My last drunken night I at a bag of leftover tortilla chips and then two big pieces of leftover meatloaf that I brought home from my parents house.  That was some crazy good meatloaf.

I had to of killed over 1000 calories of food that night....but it was an especially bad night.  I had three mighty strong drinks that Sunday, as opposed to the typical two.

I don't really know how many calories I typically consumed during my former drinking nights, but I'll bet it's at least 500.  Times that by five nights and we're up to 2500 calories of late night binge food. 

1920 calories of vodka/week + 2500 calories of (you're eating cuz you're drinking food) = 4420 calories.

And I wonder why I can't lose any fucking weight?  Hopefully, sobriety will help fix that.  Lord knows I get enough exercise.  In ten days of sobriety, I have yet to eat anything after dinner.

One day at a time.  This weekend will be a bit of a test....for reasons I'll explain later.

Day 8

Made it a week!!!  Actually, I'm just about to finish day eight.  It's been over a year since I've gone a week without booze.  I've been sleeping much better, obviously.

It hasn't been nearly as difficult as I thought it would be which is strange because I've tried to quit many times over the last year. And failed. I think the main difference this time is the fact that I'm blogging about it and I've become slightly obsessed with following other blogs and researching alcoholism.  That's given me something to focus on. Been reading Mrs D Is Going Without lately.  That's my new favorite.

One strange thing;  I haven't had much of an urge to drink in the last week, but I've been obsessed with the fact that I'm not drinking....so I think about booze most of the time.  I assume that will go away at some point.  One day at a time.

Day 6

Days four and five were relatively easy, although last night was the first Friday in a long time that I spent sober....at least a year.

Today was definitely a little more of a challenge.  I hung out with one of my best friends this afternoon.  I was helping him paint a guitar body in his garage.  Yeah, a couple of 40 year old geeks in the garage acting like high school kids.

We had to run to the hardware store and on the way back my friend stopped at the liquor store for some beer.  Wasn't that big of a deal, but for a split second I had that urge to buy a bottle of vodka for the evening.  The urge passed though and all was good.  He offered me a beer when we got back to his house, but even when I was drinking, it was neither my time or place. 

The drive home is when it really hit me.  My wife had spent the afternoon with the boys.  They were being assholes and my wife was justifiably irritated with them.  I knew walking into my house was going to be chaotic.  It was also Saturday afternoon.  That's when the little voice inside of me started talking.....and I quote:

"Hey dipshit, this whole sobriety thing is really cute and all, but let's be honest;  It's been six days since our last drink.  You haven't told anybody that you quit drinking, and nobody has read or has any idea that you started this ridiculous little blog. Enough is enough.  Stop by the liquor store on your way home and pick us up a bottle of vodka. Let's get fucked up tonight.....watch Metal Mania and drunk text your friends.  Just like old times!

Do it!  And buy the big bottle.  The liquor store is closed on Sunday and I want this party to last a few days."

That was the first real urge I've had since I've started this dry voyage. It passed, and the rest of the evening was fine.  It's weird, but resisting the urge to stop at the liquor store on the way home kinda killed the urge for the rest of the night.

Tomorrow will be one week....One day at a time!

Day 3

Three days, no booze.  Haven't really felt like it either.  Doesn't really surprise me.  Three or four days aren't usually a problem, and I haven't had any triggers yet.  The weekend will likely be my first real test.

I slept better the last few nights.  That's to be expected.  I'm tired tonight though.  Gonna go to bed....sober.

Day 2

A little background:

I'm 40 years old and married with two young boys.  My family loves the hell out of me and I'm incredibly fortunate to have them.  I should tell them that way more often than I do.  As anybody with kids will tell you, they have a special way of driving you batty.

For several years my nightly routine has been to get the kids to bed by 8:00-8:30 and then make my first drink of the evening.  My drink of choice is vodka with Diet Mountain Dew...a cup half full of ice, 2.5-3 shots of vodka, and a full can of Diet Dew.  Sounds kinda gross, but it's actually really good.  And unlike sober blogs, I'm pretty sure I invented this drink. 

My wife usually goes to be early which leaves me all to my lonesome for the rest of the evening.  And the rest of the evening could be as late as 2:00am if I'm really feeling it.  I'll have at least two drinks before the night is over, but lately it's often stretched to three.  That's up to nine shots of vodka per night.  This happens three, four, maybe five nights a week.  However, there are times when I'll do this every night for two or three weeks. 

On special occasions it's on!  I have no idea how many drinks I had New Year's Eve. 

I had lunch with an old friend today which was nice.  Found out that one of our other friends, a guy we used to work with, just went to jail for two years.  I didn't get the full story, but it involved a hit and run, and our mutual friend was drunk.  He's struggled with alcoholism for many years.  The three of us used to work in a warehouse together back in the day.  Our friend used to occasionally show up for work drunk.  The owner of the company was a really nice guy, so instead of firing him on the spot, the owner would send him home for the day.  Eventually, the owner bought a breathalyzer and made our friend blow before starting work every morning.  Sad story. 

Anyway, I woke up feeling good this morning.  It's still an hour or two until I'd typically make my first drink, but it's not happening tonight.  That I know.  One day at a time.

Day 1

I drink too much!  There, I said it.  I've known this for a long time.  Most of the time I either rationalize the problem, or deny that it exists.  But it does.  I can't seem to stop for more than a few days at a time.

I love being drunk!  It's fun.  Even when I'm alone, which is actually my preferred time to drink.  After getting hammered last night, for the fourth night in a row, I woke up this morning feeling pretty damn good.  I seem to have perfected the art of getting smashed, staying up way too late, and avoiding a hangover the next morning.  Now, I feel much better in the mornings that follow a sober night, but it's been well over a year since my last good hangover.

I woke up this morning feeling fine physically, but mentally I was off.  I haven't found a way of avoiding that....not after a night of heavy boozing.

So this morning I had a grand idea:  Why not challenge myself to one hundred days of sobriety and blog about the experience?  As with most of my ideas, I pat myself on the back and call myself a genyous, and then soon find out that I was the several millionth person to come up with the idea.  Yeah, sober blogs.

Oh well, I'm doing it anyway.  I think I went 30 or so days without a drink about a year ago.  It's been a steady downhill fall ever since.  I don't get physical withdrawals, and a few booze free days in a row typically isn't a problem.  It's the fourth or fifth nights where the cravings really start hitting me. Hopefully this blog will help.  And hopefully I'll learn something along the way.

Anyway,  Day 1 almost finished.  It was a success!