Day 76

I was wandering around inside of my head today when I asked myself a question that I'd asked over 76 times since I started this crazy sober journey....."Why am I not going to drink tonight?'

For well over two months the answer had been the same:  no hangover, I'll sleep better, no post drinking shame and guilt, etc.  When I first stopped drinking, I think answering the question every day was my way of convincing myself not to drink.  But a few weeks into sobriety the answers, although the same, turned into my way of reminding myself why I wasn't drinking anymore.  I was past needing to convince myself.  For the most part anyway.

Today, for the first time, the answer changed....instead of running through the same list of reasons that I'd been relying on for two plus months, my dome gave me a different answer.  "I'm not drinking tonight because......I don't want to!" 

I don't know if that means anything, but it sure feels like it does....especially because there was a little attitude in the answer.  Kinda like, "You're not drinking because you don't want to.  Now quit fucking asking me that question!!"

It's the same type of attitude that Eight gives me every morning when I wake him up for school.  Now I know where he gets it. 

Maybe I'm past having to remind myself why I'm not drinking.  Maybe it's my brain's way of telling me to quit spending so much time thinking about sobriety.  Maybe I'm getting a little too big for my britches with this whole, "Look at me, I'm sober" business.  It's times like these when I forget to lock the door and Gene sneaks in for a chat.  I hope he wears those cool demon shoes if/when he does come back.